For the past week or so, we've had more cloudy days than sunny ones. I'm one of those people who loves thunderstorms and rain and such, but really needs the sun to be happy. And it doesn't help that my parents house is surrounded by trees, so doesn't really get a whole lot of sunlight even on a bright day.
Apparently, all the cloudiness has really brought me down. Today it's all just kind of hit me at once, everything that seems to be wrong with my life. My father did my tax return for me this morning, and I'm not getting back nearly as much as I usually do. They need money to put in a new drainfield for their septic tank, and apparently I'm supposed to just hand over my tax refund, and they'll kick in the little bit more that's needed.
I don't begrudge my parents the money. But...I still have bills to pay. And D and I have been planning on moving in together eventually. That won't happen if I have no money. I certainly can't expect him to pay for everything. Not that that really matters anyway, since I also started thinking about how before the economy got so bad, I barely made enough to pay for childcare, groceries, and the phone, electric, and cable bills. Meaning, even if I find a job at this point, I'll be lucky if it pays enough to cover childcare and groceries. And I don't have much hope for even finding that right now.
I'd hoped to save my refund so that if/when D and I were ready to move in together, I'd have a little extra stashed away in case we needed it. My parents don't seem to get it; that, or they don't think we're serious about it. They're putting me in a really bad position here. They want me and the kids to eventually move out, they don't want D to move in here. And yet they want basically all my money to take care of their house. How am I supposed to move out if I have no money? And why should my relationship have to live in permanent limbo because they took all my money? Yes, I get that this house isn't big enough for 6 people. But I also get that this wasn't my choice. None of this was my choice.
They decided to buy the property. They decided to build my house. They decided to pay my mortgage for me. They made all these decisions, that were supposed to be for me and my kids. I would have been fine with renting, or at least putting a mobile home on the property. It would have been faster and cheaper, and we might have still been able to cover it all. Now, I'm stuck living here, with my parents again, at the age of 31, with 2 kids.
D is looking at going to school to become a pilot. I'm happy for him, and I completely support his decision, if he decides to do it. I know he can do it. He's more than smart enough, he's definitely determined enough, and it's been his dream since he was a kid. But...as happy as I am for him, it's also a little depressing for me. There's nowhere nearby that he can do it, so he'll have to go somewhere else. We already aren't in a position to live together, and him going somewhere else and going to school isn't going to put us in a position to live together. Which means...not only will we still not be living together, but we'll be further apart, and see each other less often. Maybe I'm wrong about all this, but I doubt it. He'll be so busy with school, we won't be able to see each other as much...I wonder if our relationship will be able to survive that. I guess I'll find out. I love him too much to try to stop him from going after his dream.
He doesn't know I'm having any of these thoughts. I'm going to tell him. I'm tempted not to. I don't want to depress him, or make him rethink what he wants to do (I want him to achieve his dreams), or make him feel like I'm trying to stop him. Which I'm afraid is going to happen if I tell him what I'm thinking. But...I also remember that I said I wasn't going to do that anymore. I said I was going to tell him how I felt, and what I thought, from now on. So, as tempted as I am to pretend nothing is bothering me and everything is fine, I'm going to tell him the next time he calls me (which should be later today). I'm not sure yet how I'm going to bring it up or what exactly I'm going to say. I'm not sure how to word it where it won't sound like I'm trying to change his mind or something. I guess I'm just...wondering if he's given any thought to how hard it's going to be to do what he wants to do and still find time for us. I bet, if he has, he thinks he can do it. And he can, I'm sure, but at what expense? He'll end up stressed and exhausted trying to keep up with everything.
I suppose I should probably just face the reality that I will probably be stuck living with my parents for many, many years. Someday, I will find a job. I hope. I'm sure D and I will survive whatever happens, even if it's hard, and I'm probably just worrying over nothing. I guess at some point, some day, we'll figure out a way to finally get a place together.
I would probably feel a lot better if the sun would come out, even for just a little while. Otherwise, I think I'm just going to go quietly insane with all my depressing thoughts.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Following talent...
My friend Caroline has been trying, for about a week now, to convince me to sign J up for T-Ball ("it's free for first-timers this year!" she says), and C for baseball ("it's only $80!" she tells me). Aside from my financial situation, it kind of seems like a good idea, but also not such a good idea.
Both boys are the long and lean type. They have energy like nobody's business. I'd kill to have just a third of their energy (mainly so I could keep up with them!). Being outside, running, playing, riding bikes, these things are pretty much what they live for. Rainy days, super cold days are the end of the world for them; you could literally think someone died the way they act.
C has a good arm. He can throw a ball pretty far, and I think he throws like a boy (I wouldn't really know; I throw like a girl. What can I say?). The whole hitting the ball with the bat...well, we're working on it. J throws pretty far as well, but he's more into tackling, so I think he'd probably be better suited to football.
Here's my thing, though. I'm a very creative person. I've never been into athletics. Just not my thing. And I'm fine with it if it turns out that athletics are their thing. I used to write poetry and stories (I've lost my inspiration for that though.). Most people who read my writing think I'm pretty good at it. I'm also into photography. I can't draw a picture to save my life, but I can take one with a camera, and my family and most of my friends think I'm pretty talented.
My grandfather (my mom's dad) had an amazing ability with a camera. He could take the most incredible pictures of the most ordinary situations. He could also draw a picture. My mother has a picture that he drew of a log cabin in the woods. I thought that picture was a professionally done picture until my mom told me one day that my grandfather drew it.
The best compliment I think I ever received was when my mom was looking at some pictures I took one day and told me that I had my grandfather's talent with the camera. My grandfather died when I was only 4 or 5 years old, so I have very limited memories of him, but those that I do have are filled with love.
I think C has inherited my grandfather's drawing ability. Obviously, he's only 8 (I'm trying really hard not to think about how he's almost 9), so his work is still a little crude, definitely not perfect, and mostly limited to Spongebob Squarepants and lizards and the like, but what he does draw he does amazingly well. He also seems to have that same natural ability with the camera that my grandfather and I have. I let him take a camera on his field trip a few months ago and he took some photos that were really great, and on other occasions, he's swiped my camera and taken some good pictures.
Which is why, although I appreciate Caroline's enthusiasm and her wish to see my boys play ball and hang out with me while our 3 boys have fun, I think I'm not going to do it.
I think I'd rather encourage the talent that I see in C. He may be great at baseball. And if he wants to play, now or in the future, I will encourage and support him every step of the way. But he shows no real interest in it. His interests really seem to lie with drawing, and other more creative pursuits. I want to encourage that, support that, and know that he is truly enjoying what he is doing than to encourage him to do something that doesn't really seem to excite him.
Everyone has something they are passionate about doing. Those are the things that we most enjoy, and would gladly give up just about every other activity to do. C seems pretty passionate about his drawing, and I want to stoke that fire and keep that passion going. Maybe someday he'll become a professional artist. Maybe not. But I know he has the ability, and I'm going to make sure he doesn't waste it.
As for J...well, he's only 6, and we're still trying to figure him out. He likes to do a little bit of everything, it's impossible to narrow him down just yet. He, too, has swiped my camera and taken good pictures, so maybe that'll be his thing. Or maybe playing football and trying to break bones will be his thing (is it bad that I'm hoping it'll be the camera that he'll go for?).
Now I just hope I can explain all this to Caroline in such a way that she won't be upset with me. Maybe I can offer to come take some pictures of her son at practice to appease her? We'll see.
Both boys are the long and lean type. They have energy like nobody's business. I'd kill to have just a third of their energy (mainly so I could keep up with them!). Being outside, running, playing, riding bikes, these things are pretty much what they live for. Rainy days, super cold days are the end of the world for them; you could literally think someone died the way they act.
C has a good arm. He can throw a ball pretty far, and I think he throws like a boy (I wouldn't really know; I throw like a girl. What can I say?). The whole hitting the ball with the bat...well, we're working on it. J throws pretty far as well, but he's more into tackling, so I think he'd probably be better suited to football.
Here's my thing, though. I'm a very creative person. I've never been into athletics. Just not my thing. And I'm fine with it if it turns out that athletics are their thing. I used to write poetry and stories (I've lost my inspiration for that though.). Most people who read my writing think I'm pretty good at it. I'm also into photography. I can't draw a picture to save my life, but I can take one with a camera, and my family and most of my friends think I'm pretty talented.
My grandfather (my mom's dad) had an amazing ability with a camera. He could take the most incredible pictures of the most ordinary situations. He could also draw a picture. My mother has a picture that he drew of a log cabin in the woods. I thought that picture was a professionally done picture until my mom told me one day that my grandfather drew it.
The best compliment I think I ever received was when my mom was looking at some pictures I took one day and told me that I had my grandfather's talent with the camera. My grandfather died when I was only 4 or 5 years old, so I have very limited memories of him, but those that I do have are filled with love.
I think C has inherited my grandfather's drawing ability. Obviously, he's only 8 (I'm trying really hard not to think about how he's almost 9), so his work is still a little crude, definitely not perfect, and mostly limited to Spongebob Squarepants and lizards and the like, but what he does draw he does amazingly well. He also seems to have that same natural ability with the camera that my grandfather and I have. I let him take a camera on his field trip a few months ago and he took some photos that were really great, and on other occasions, he's swiped my camera and taken some good pictures.
Which is why, although I appreciate Caroline's enthusiasm and her wish to see my boys play ball and hang out with me while our 3 boys have fun, I think I'm not going to do it.
I think I'd rather encourage the talent that I see in C. He may be great at baseball. And if he wants to play, now or in the future, I will encourage and support him every step of the way. But he shows no real interest in it. His interests really seem to lie with drawing, and other more creative pursuits. I want to encourage that, support that, and know that he is truly enjoying what he is doing than to encourage him to do something that doesn't really seem to excite him.
Everyone has something they are passionate about doing. Those are the things that we most enjoy, and would gladly give up just about every other activity to do. C seems pretty passionate about his drawing, and I want to stoke that fire and keep that passion going. Maybe someday he'll become a professional artist. Maybe not. But I know he has the ability, and I'm going to make sure he doesn't waste it.
As for J...well, he's only 6, and we're still trying to figure him out. He likes to do a little bit of everything, it's impossible to narrow him down just yet. He, too, has swiped my camera and taken good pictures, so maybe that'll be his thing. Or maybe playing football and trying to break bones will be his thing (is it bad that I'm hoping it'll be the camera that he'll go for?).
Now I just hope I can explain all this to Caroline in such a way that she won't be upset with me. Maybe I can offer to come take some pictures of her son at practice to appease her? We'll see.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Has it really been that long?
This month, C turns 9. I shouldn't be surprised by this...after all, I was there when he was born. I remember the pain quite clearly, thank you. But still...it shocks me to realize that he is going to be 9!
I look at him, and sometimes I still see my little boy. My baby that I brought home from the hospital, stayed home with and took care of, and couldn't bear to go back to work when my maternity leave was up. The little boy that I stayed home with and then couldn't stand the thought of going back to work when my marriage ended and I had no choice.
Other times, I see little hints of the man he's going to be someday, someday sooner than I expect or want. His hands are already getting big, and getting the prominent veins that men often have. His face is starting to change too. Probably not in any way noticeable to anyone else, but I see it. He's nearly as tall as I am now, probably by his next birthday, he will be as tall as me, if not taller. His sperm donor was quite tall, as are my parents, but I am on the short side. I used to joke when he was just a baby that one day he would be taller than me, and now that day is almost here.
I also used to joke that I wanted to keep him little forever. I used to swear I was going to invent something, anything, that would keep him my little boy forever. Now, more than ever, I find myself wishing I could do that.
He's growing up way faster than I am ready for. This year he's 9, but soon he'll be 13, or 16, or 18, and I'm not ready. I mean, the first 9 years passed in the blink of an eye, so I can't imagine the next 9 are going to be any slower.
I'm so scared that I can't do a good enough job as his mother to keep him from making huge mistakes that will alter the rest of his life. I worry that he's got too much of his sperm donor in him, and will turn out like him. I know everyone says that the way I raise him is what really counts, but who really knows that for sure?
And yet, at the same time that I have all these fears and doubts, I also can't wait to see what kind of man he's going to be. I want to know what he will do with his future, who he will marry, what kind of kids he will have. Will he be a better father than his own was? I hope so.
I hope he's had enough good male influences in his life to make him better than his sperm donor. My father is a great man, and has always been there for me and the kids. I hope C has paid attention, and is learning from my dad. D has only been around a few months, but I hope he will be around forever. I know he is a lot like my father, and there is a lot about D that I hope C will learn from him about what a man should be. I've had a few male friends, but I've always been hesitant to bring them around the boys. Not only to avoid confusion over whether we're friends or more, but also because those friends are not always the best example of men. They're nice guys, but...sometimes they have issues. And unfortunately, my grandfather, uncles, and cousins all live in another state, so even though they are all wonderful men, they're not in positions to have any influence on my boys.
I've dated since my divorce, but not a whole lot. Part of the reason was that I didn't want to take time from my boys, part of it was that I didn't meet guys that I really wanted to date. After my divorce, when I realized I was going to be raising two boys on my own, trying to make them into men without any real clue how to do that, one thing I did know was that my relationships with men were going to influence my boys. The type of man I would bring home to meet my children would teach them what I think a man should be like, and I didn't want to give them the wrong impression by bringing home the wrong kind of man. Which is why it took 6 years and meeting D before ANY man met the boys. No other man met my standards for what kind of man I would want my sons to look up to. That's not to say I'm dating D just because he could be a good influence, because I'm not. It's just a great added bonus that he's the kind of man I would want my sons to look up to.
Sperm donor is a great example of the kind of guys I used to date (well, except for the whole cheating, lying, blah blah blah):fun to hang out with, intent on showing me a great time with concerts and nightclubs as our dates and not much more than that. Intelligence was a hit and miss thing, and the seriousness of the relationship often depended on how hard I wanted to push for a label. If I didn't push for a label, it wasn't very serious. If I did push, it either got serious or it ended. Either way, it was for the best, but I hated having to push.
Which is another reason I am glad I have my sons. They are the reason that I realized that I needed to change the kind of guy I date. I wouldn't have given D a second look before my kids, because he's gone so much, and he reminds me of my dad. I just never pictured myself with someone like him. Someone who works so hard, even if it's not worth it, who cares so much about everyone around him, who treats me the way a woman should be treated, who looks at me as more than just a girlfriend. He actually wants a relationship, something that can actually lead to a real, long-lasting future. Deep down, that was always what I wanted, but for whatever reason, I never really tried to get it. Without my sons, I might never have found D. I would have kept dating the same kind of guys and spent my entire life miserable and missing out on what I really wanted.
I can't believe C is going to be 9 this month. When I was pregnant with him, I remember wishing that he could be born already, because I was miserable with morning sickness and various pregnant aches and pains. My mom told me I shouldn't wish that, because once you have kids, the time flies by. I didn't take her seriously then, but I do now. I can still almost feel the weight of him in my arms as a newborn, I can still clearly see myself putting him in his bassinet, or crying right along with him when he was up half the night with an upset tummy or teething. And now, he's lost several baby teeth already, he often doesn't want a kiss goodbye or good night, and he already has the attitude of a teenager (those moments are when I most wish he was still a baby!). And J is not far behind.
As much as he will hate it, and as mad as he will get at me, I am going to grab C tonight and give him a huge hug and a kiss, and if I can get him to hold still long enough, I am going to hold him and pretend he's still my very little boy.
I look at him, and sometimes I still see my little boy. My baby that I brought home from the hospital, stayed home with and took care of, and couldn't bear to go back to work when my maternity leave was up. The little boy that I stayed home with and then couldn't stand the thought of going back to work when my marriage ended and I had no choice.
Other times, I see little hints of the man he's going to be someday, someday sooner than I expect or want. His hands are already getting big, and getting the prominent veins that men often have. His face is starting to change too. Probably not in any way noticeable to anyone else, but I see it. He's nearly as tall as I am now, probably by his next birthday, he will be as tall as me, if not taller. His sperm donor was quite tall, as are my parents, but I am on the short side. I used to joke when he was just a baby that one day he would be taller than me, and now that day is almost here.
I also used to joke that I wanted to keep him little forever. I used to swear I was going to invent something, anything, that would keep him my little boy forever. Now, more than ever, I find myself wishing I could do that.
He's growing up way faster than I am ready for. This year he's 9, but soon he'll be 13, or 16, or 18, and I'm not ready. I mean, the first 9 years passed in the blink of an eye, so I can't imagine the next 9 are going to be any slower.
I'm so scared that I can't do a good enough job as his mother to keep him from making huge mistakes that will alter the rest of his life. I worry that he's got too much of his sperm donor in him, and will turn out like him. I know everyone says that the way I raise him is what really counts, but who really knows that for sure?
And yet, at the same time that I have all these fears and doubts, I also can't wait to see what kind of man he's going to be. I want to know what he will do with his future, who he will marry, what kind of kids he will have. Will he be a better father than his own was? I hope so.
I hope he's had enough good male influences in his life to make him better than his sperm donor. My father is a great man, and has always been there for me and the kids. I hope C has paid attention, and is learning from my dad. D has only been around a few months, but I hope he will be around forever. I know he is a lot like my father, and there is a lot about D that I hope C will learn from him about what a man should be. I've had a few male friends, but I've always been hesitant to bring them around the boys. Not only to avoid confusion over whether we're friends or more, but also because those friends are not always the best example of men. They're nice guys, but...sometimes they have issues. And unfortunately, my grandfather, uncles, and cousins all live in another state, so even though they are all wonderful men, they're not in positions to have any influence on my boys.
I've dated since my divorce, but not a whole lot. Part of the reason was that I didn't want to take time from my boys, part of it was that I didn't meet guys that I really wanted to date. After my divorce, when I realized I was going to be raising two boys on my own, trying to make them into men without any real clue how to do that, one thing I did know was that my relationships with men were going to influence my boys. The type of man I would bring home to meet my children would teach them what I think a man should be like, and I didn't want to give them the wrong impression by bringing home the wrong kind of man. Which is why it took 6 years and meeting D before ANY man met the boys. No other man met my standards for what kind of man I would want my sons to look up to. That's not to say I'm dating D just because he could be a good influence, because I'm not. It's just a great added bonus that he's the kind of man I would want my sons to look up to.
Sperm donor is a great example of the kind of guys I used to date (well, except for the whole cheating, lying, blah blah blah):fun to hang out with, intent on showing me a great time with concerts and nightclubs as our dates and not much more than that. Intelligence was a hit and miss thing, and the seriousness of the relationship often depended on how hard I wanted to push for a label. If I didn't push for a label, it wasn't very serious. If I did push, it either got serious or it ended. Either way, it was for the best, but I hated having to push.
Which is another reason I am glad I have my sons. They are the reason that I realized that I needed to change the kind of guy I date. I wouldn't have given D a second look before my kids, because he's gone so much, and he reminds me of my dad. I just never pictured myself with someone like him. Someone who works so hard, even if it's not worth it, who cares so much about everyone around him, who treats me the way a woman should be treated, who looks at me as more than just a girlfriend. He actually wants a relationship, something that can actually lead to a real, long-lasting future. Deep down, that was always what I wanted, but for whatever reason, I never really tried to get it. Without my sons, I might never have found D. I would have kept dating the same kind of guys and spent my entire life miserable and missing out on what I really wanted.
I can't believe C is going to be 9 this month. When I was pregnant with him, I remember wishing that he could be born already, because I was miserable with morning sickness and various pregnant aches and pains. My mom told me I shouldn't wish that, because once you have kids, the time flies by. I didn't take her seriously then, but I do now. I can still almost feel the weight of him in my arms as a newborn, I can still clearly see myself putting him in his bassinet, or crying right along with him when he was up half the night with an upset tummy or teething. And now, he's lost several baby teeth already, he often doesn't want a kiss goodbye or good night, and he already has the attitude of a teenager (those moments are when I most wish he was still a baby!). And J is not far behind.
As much as he will hate it, and as mad as he will get at me, I am going to grab C tonight and give him a huge hug and a kiss, and if I can get him to hold still long enough, I am going to hold him and pretend he's still my very little boy.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
I'm a BUG?
"Hey, Mom, I'm a BUG!"
"What?"
"I'm a BUG."
This conversation would have made much more sense if I'd remembered the letter I read last week about the new program the school is implementing, called BUG, or Bringing Up Grades. It's a reward based program that encourages kids to improve their grades and keep them up.
I forgot this letter, though, and also forgot that report cards were coming home today.
C reminded me, though, and then the conversation made much more sense (which was good, because I couldn't figure out if he wanted to be a cockroach or a beetle, either of which I find creepy.)
So, J brought home the usual: E's & S's. The don't do the A-B-C-D-F thing in Kindergarten. I am, of course, proud of him, as always. Naturally, he's too young to realize that by setting the bar so high right now, he's really screwing himself in the later years. And of course, I'm a just mean enough Mommy that I'm not going to let him in on that little secret.
C's report card just blew me away. He brought his math grade up. I may or may not have mentioned before that C really struggles with math. I think it's inherited. I can't even add 2 + 2 without getting a calculator and having someone double check my work (ok, I'm not that bad, but I'm not much better). He really wrestles with his math and gets very frustrated. So, I was very proud to see that he brought his grade from a D to a C. This may not seem like that big a deal, but any parent who has a child that struggles with a subject knows that this is a huge accomplishment. He has really had to work hard for that one letter improvement, and it is definitely an achievement to be proud of. The funny thing is that he is actually embarassed. He gets this shy little grin and can't look at you if you tell him you're proud of him.
Aside from his math improvement, he also brought his social studies grade from a C to an A, which is another outstanding accomplishment. His science grade went from a B to an A, and his reading grade from a C to a B. Language Arts was the only one that stayed a C.
I am so proud of both of my boys right now. I could not be more thrilled with them at this moment.
Now...if I could just get them to stop with the snarky attitudes....
"What?"
"I'm a BUG."
This conversation would have made much more sense if I'd remembered the letter I read last week about the new program the school is implementing, called BUG, or Bringing Up Grades. It's a reward based program that encourages kids to improve their grades and keep them up.
I forgot this letter, though, and also forgot that report cards were coming home today.
C reminded me, though, and then the conversation made much more sense (which was good, because I couldn't figure out if he wanted to be a cockroach or a beetle, either of which I find creepy.)
So, J brought home the usual: E's & S's. The don't do the A-B-C-D-F thing in Kindergarten. I am, of course, proud of him, as always. Naturally, he's too young to realize that by setting the bar so high right now, he's really screwing himself in the later years. And of course, I'm a just mean enough Mommy that I'm not going to let him in on that little secret.
C's report card just blew me away. He brought his math grade up. I may or may not have mentioned before that C really struggles with math. I think it's inherited. I can't even add 2 + 2 without getting a calculator and having someone double check my work (ok, I'm not that bad, but I'm not much better). He really wrestles with his math and gets very frustrated. So, I was very proud to see that he brought his grade from a D to a C. This may not seem like that big a deal, but any parent who has a child that struggles with a subject knows that this is a huge accomplishment. He has really had to work hard for that one letter improvement, and it is definitely an achievement to be proud of. The funny thing is that he is actually embarassed. He gets this shy little grin and can't look at you if you tell him you're proud of him.
Aside from his math improvement, he also brought his social studies grade from a C to an A, which is another outstanding accomplishment. His science grade went from a B to an A, and his reading grade from a C to a B. Language Arts was the only one that stayed a C.
I am so proud of both of my boys right now. I could not be more thrilled with them at this moment.
Now...if I could just get them to stop with the snarky attitudes....
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
A Rock and A Hard Place
I was given a very vivid reminder of my past this morning, by a friend of mine. Before this morning, I wouldn't have really called her a good friend, since most of our conversations had been somewhat superficial, except for one time when her husband's grandfather shot a cop, but that's a story for another time. Let's just say, Grandpa's nuts and still in jail, and I believe everyone is better off for it.
This morning, though, she followed me to the gas station after we'd dropped the kids off at school to talk to me about signing J up for T-ball, since it's free for first timers this year. I'd have to pay for C to sign up for baseball, and I don't really think I can afford it right now, so I probably won't do it. But we'll see.
But as we stood there talking, she began telling me things about her marriage and her husband that shocked me. She'd always given me the impression that her marriage was pretty good, or at least average.
First, she shocked me by mentioning they hadn't had sex in about 2 years, and that it was his choice, not hers. Lots of couples go through dry spells, though, so that, while it was shocking that it was his doing, I didn't really think much of it. Just kind of felt bad for her that she's not getting any. Then she added that he shows her no affection whatsoever. No hand holding, no hugs, kisses, nothing.
That I didn't understand. I could go the rest of my life never having sex again, it's not a huge deal, but if D didn't hold my hand, kiss me, hold me while we're sitting on the couch watching a movie, I couldn't handle that. All those little things show me that he loves me, and they mean much more to me than the words. I love to hear him tell me, absolutely, but it's the little touches, the quick kisses, the squeezes when he hugs me tight that really tell me he loves me. She doesn't even get the words, apparently.
Then, she starts telling me about all these fights they've had lately. And that's when I started thinking about Sperm Donor. She started describing shouting matches at 4am over a simple statement. Normal conversations turning into screamfests. Walking on eggshells to avoid saying something that will piss him off and start a fight. Deciding to make this instead of that for dinner because she knows he won't eat it and will instead throw it away, slam dishes and silverware around as he makes something else and then bitch about how she sits around all day and can't even make a good dinner for him when he gets home from busting his ass all day.
As if all that wasn't bad enough, then she tells me about how she and her sister were signing up the kids for T-ball, and her son was hitting her (playfully). Her sister told him to stop, that hitting Momma wasn't nice. Sister threatened to tell Grandma, and the little boy just laughed. When Sister threatened to tell Daddy, the little boy started bawling and begging her to please not tell Daddy. My friend then mentions that he's terrified of Daddy.
That would have been my boys if I hadn't left Sperm Donor. I'd be her (only the lack of sex would have been my choice), and my boys would be terrified of their father.
When I made a casual comment (to test the waters) about how it sounds like she'd be better off without him, she said it's not better for her son, and then threw in that she has nowhere to go. No family she can stay with, or that would help her anyway. Her husband has told her if she wants to leave, leave. He doesn't care.
I disagree with her that it's not better for her son for her to leave. I think the situation as it is is very unhealthy for this very sweet little boy. For the same reasons that I left Sperm Donor: it gives him the wrong idea of how a man should treat a woman, what a healthy relationship should look like, and frankly, I believe it's only a matter of time before he escalates to something more than just hurtful words and lack of affection. She also mentioned how he yells at her son (that he adopted, by the way) for the slightest little thing, and never shows him any affection. Apparently, her son used to try to hug him, but after getting a quick tap on the arm and a "that's enough" enough times, her son has given up.
She knows some of my history with Sperm Donor. I can't remember exactly how much I told her, because as I said, a lot of our previous conversations were pretty superficial, and I don't give a lot of details to just anyone.
My problem here is what do I do? I want to get her the names of some shelters that will help her leave, get a job, get a place, get back on her feet, if she so chooses. But I know, from having been there myself, that she won't leave until/unless she's ready.
I also know that she could very easily get offended and upset with me. I don't want to lose her as a friend, I don't want my kids to lose her son as a friend. If nothing else, I at least want to know that I will see her and her son frequently so that if I something changes, she might talk to me, and I can push her harder or, if necessary, call the cops myself to try to protect her and her son.
So I'm stuck. I feel like I need to help her, but can't. I feel like I need to say something, but I don't know what. I feel like I should maybe tell her everything I went through, hoping she'll see the similarity and realize on her own what's going on. But I feel that doing that is likely to put her on the defensive and make her more determined to believe that everything will be fine.
She already knows that she can talk to me any time she needs to, and that I will help her out in any way that I can. I'm hoping that that'll be enough. But I'm really afraid for her now. She has no phone, not even a cell, so she has no way to call anyone for help should something change. Her only real opportunity to seek help is when she takes her son to school. She used to talk to other moms at the school besides me, but from what I can tell, it's only me now. I don't know if that's a choice she made (maybe she senses I'm more willing to listen and help than the others?) or if he's trying to isolate her (the other moms live closer to her than I do).
I never thought that any real good would come from my failed marriage, except my kids. Yes, I learned a few things about relationships and what I do and don't want from them. But that only benefits me, really. Or so I thought. If I can just figure out how to approach her, maybe more good will come from it than I thought.
This morning, though, she followed me to the gas station after we'd dropped the kids off at school to talk to me about signing J up for T-ball, since it's free for first timers this year. I'd have to pay for C to sign up for baseball, and I don't really think I can afford it right now, so I probably won't do it. But we'll see.
But as we stood there talking, she began telling me things about her marriage and her husband that shocked me. She'd always given me the impression that her marriage was pretty good, or at least average.
First, she shocked me by mentioning they hadn't had sex in about 2 years, and that it was his choice, not hers. Lots of couples go through dry spells, though, so that, while it was shocking that it was his doing, I didn't really think much of it. Just kind of felt bad for her that she's not getting any. Then she added that he shows her no affection whatsoever. No hand holding, no hugs, kisses, nothing.
That I didn't understand. I could go the rest of my life never having sex again, it's not a huge deal, but if D didn't hold my hand, kiss me, hold me while we're sitting on the couch watching a movie, I couldn't handle that. All those little things show me that he loves me, and they mean much more to me than the words. I love to hear him tell me, absolutely, but it's the little touches, the quick kisses, the squeezes when he hugs me tight that really tell me he loves me. She doesn't even get the words, apparently.
Then, she starts telling me about all these fights they've had lately. And that's when I started thinking about Sperm Donor. She started describing shouting matches at 4am over a simple statement. Normal conversations turning into screamfests. Walking on eggshells to avoid saying something that will piss him off and start a fight. Deciding to make this instead of that for dinner because she knows he won't eat it and will instead throw it away, slam dishes and silverware around as he makes something else and then bitch about how she sits around all day and can't even make a good dinner for him when he gets home from busting his ass all day.
As if all that wasn't bad enough, then she tells me about how she and her sister were signing up the kids for T-ball, and her son was hitting her (playfully). Her sister told him to stop, that hitting Momma wasn't nice. Sister threatened to tell Grandma, and the little boy just laughed. When Sister threatened to tell Daddy, the little boy started bawling and begging her to please not tell Daddy. My friend then mentions that he's terrified of Daddy.
That would have been my boys if I hadn't left Sperm Donor. I'd be her (only the lack of sex would have been my choice), and my boys would be terrified of their father.
When I made a casual comment (to test the waters) about how it sounds like she'd be better off without him, she said it's not better for her son, and then threw in that she has nowhere to go. No family she can stay with, or that would help her anyway. Her husband has told her if she wants to leave, leave. He doesn't care.
I disagree with her that it's not better for her son for her to leave. I think the situation as it is is very unhealthy for this very sweet little boy. For the same reasons that I left Sperm Donor: it gives him the wrong idea of how a man should treat a woman, what a healthy relationship should look like, and frankly, I believe it's only a matter of time before he escalates to something more than just hurtful words and lack of affection. She also mentioned how he yells at her son (that he adopted, by the way) for the slightest little thing, and never shows him any affection. Apparently, her son used to try to hug him, but after getting a quick tap on the arm and a "that's enough" enough times, her son has given up.
She knows some of my history with Sperm Donor. I can't remember exactly how much I told her, because as I said, a lot of our previous conversations were pretty superficial, and I don't give a lot of details to just anyone.
My problem here is what do I do? I want to get her the names of some shelters that will help her leave, get a job, get a place, get back on her feet, if she so chooses. But I know, from having been there myself, that she won't leave until/unless she's ready.
I also know that she could very easily get offended and upset with me. I don't want to lose her as a friend, I don't want my kids to lose her son as a friend. If nothing else, I at least want to know that I will see her and her son frequently so that if I something changes, she might talk to me, and I can push her harder or, if necessary, call the cops myself to try to protect her and her son.
So I'm stuck. I feel like I need to help her, but can't. I feel like I need to say something, but I don't know what. I feel like I should maybe tell her everything I went through, hoping she'll see the similarity and realize on her own what's going on. But I feel that doing that is likely to put her on the defensive and make her more determined to believe that everything will be fine.
She already knows that she can talk to me any time she needs to, and that I will help her out in any way that I can. I'm hoping that that'll be enough. But I'm really afraid for her now. She has no phone, not even a cell, so she has no way to call anyone for help should something change. Her only real opportunity to seek help is when she takes her son to school. She used to talk to other moms at the school besides me, but from what I can tell, it's only me now. I don't know if that's a choice she made (maybe she senses I'm more willing to listen and help than the others?) or if he's trying to isolate her (the other moms live closer to her than I do).
I never thought that any real good would come from my failed marriage, except my kids. Yes, I learned a few things about relationships and what I do and don't want from them. But that only benefits me, really. Or so I thought. If I can just figure out how to approach her, maybe more good will come from it than I thought.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Am I the only one?
I belong to a website for moms. It used to be a really helpful, compassionate website where a mom, new or not, could go and ask a question and get useful answers. Criticism was constructive and intended to help, not to completely tear you down and make you feel worthless.
That site has started to devolve into...well, it's devolved. We'll just put it that way.
Often, women would have questions about their relationships. As one mom on there said, "I want to find out if what my husband and I are going through is normal, but I don't want my mom, or his mom, or my best friend, to know that we're dealing with it." The site used to be a way you could compare your relationship to others and find out that yes, this stage in a relationship is perfectly normal, everyone goes through it, and we're going to be fine.
The questions eventually just got...well, pathetic. Women wanting other women to tell them if they should stay or leave after their husband/significant other/boyfriend (whatever title they want to give him...some of them change it weekly, it seems) has cheated, hit them, hit their child, stolen something, kept a secret, lost money gambling/doing drugs/on a hooker (hey, I've seen it on there!), or because his mother drives her nuts with her advice, sarcasm, criticism, or need to take over everything. Some of the reasons they want to leave are just silly, and others I just don't understand how they don't already KNOW they should leave. (example: "My husband has cheated on me 16 times, twice with my sister, 3 times with my best friend, and I caught him having a threesome with my mom and my grandma. Should I leave?" And NO, I am not making that up! I might have the numbers a little off, but it was a real question.)
Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's because I've been in a bad marriage and gotten out of it, and learned a few things from it. The first of those things being what I won't tolerate from a man. I love D to death, and I have absolutely no intention of ever ending our relationship, but there are some things that if he ever did them, I'd be getting rid of him without thinking twice. If he ever laid a hand on me, if he ever hurt my child (beyond a simple spanking or hurt feelings because they're in trouble), if he started doing drugs, drinking too much, if we were living together or married and he was taking money needed to support our home and our family to spend on drugs, gambling, or whatever, those are all things I'd get rid of him for. Cheating...I've always said that after Sperm Donor, I'd leave the first time. Honestly, though, I love D, and I think he loves me enough that if he DID cheat, he'd probably feel incredibly guilty and not do it again. So....I think if he cheated, I'd probably give him one more chance, but with a very clear "you better not hide a damn thing from me ever again" policy. In fact, if he cheated, he'd probably choose to leave me because I'd be so demanding of what he'd have to do to prove to me I could trust him again.
But what really confuses me is that so many of these women are in these relationships, and if you go by their questions, they are just absolutely miserable. And when you read the questions, or look at their profile, the stuff they are so upset about is stuff that he has always done (or not done). Why would you marry someone, or have kids with him, if you already knew he was like this? If I'd known before I married him that Sperm Donor was a lying, cheating piece of crap who was going to do everything he could to ruin my self esteem and ignore my kids...yeah, I wouldn't have touched him with a 50 foot pole. And what's even worse, is that the stuff they get upset over is often silly stuff. No, cheating is not silly. Losing money gambling or on drugs or whatever is not silly. But asking if you should leave him because he didn't take the garbage out the last two times you asked him to (Are your hands broken? Take it out yourself)? Or because he's always on the computer (so why don't you read a book, or watch TV? Does he really have to be your entertainment every minute of the day? He'll get off the computer in a little while and then you'll spend time together. If he's truly addicted and ALWAYS on it, that's one thing, but an hour a day? Not a big deal), or he smokes (make him go outside to smoke)? These are not relationship ending issues, in my opinion anyway.
That's the other thing I learned from my bad marriage. As annoying as certain habits may be, they are not something worth ending the relationship. If I really wanted to, I'm sure I could sit here and think of reasons to end my relationship. They'd all be petty, nitpicky things, but I could sit here and list things that *could* drive me nuts about him. And I'm pretty sure that he could do the same thing about me. He's not perfect, and neither am I. But I love him, and I'd rather focus on the things that I do love about him, than concentrate on the things I don't love so much. I'd rather be happy with him. And I love him so much I even try to turn the less than wonderful things into positive. So, he snores...at least if I hear him snoring, well (a) he's there with me (always a plus), and (b) at least I know he's still alive.
And when I tried to tell one woman that when she complained that she was thinking of leaving her husband because on the two nights a week (he works nights) he's home, she doesn't sleep well thanks to his snoring, she told me I needed to "take off my rose colored glasses" and that my relationship would never last.
I disagree with her. I think that when you focus on the bad, that's when your relationship won't last. How can it, if you're always thinking negatively about the other person, and therefore making yourself unhappy? I think by ignoring the things that aren't quite so endearing and thinking of the things that are, it sets us up with a better chance of making it work. And besides, I really don't think that his cigarette and red bull breakfast habit is worth living my life without him. I won't deny that if he wanted to give them up, I'd be thrilled, but it's just not a relationship ender for me.
I just don't understand why people can't appreciate the good in their relationships, in their spouses/significant others. Why do we always have to look at the negative stuff? Why can't we just ignore that, and focus on what's good about them, and good about the relationship?
I think I'm going to leave that website, because it's just gotten to be too depressing lately. Every now and then, I come across a good question, or at least one I can answer that makes me feel good about answering it, but the bad is beginning to far outweigh the good.
Ok...now that that's out of my system. :)
Last night, C & J were running around outside while my parents and I sat around talking. Peter Pan has been kennelled for...probably close to a year now, due to his inability to stop tearing things up. We let him out to run around when someone is out there to supervise him, but otherwise he's in the kennel. He likes to try to dig his way out. We improvised some chainlink fencing on the bottom of the kennel to stop that. So, now, he likes to try to chew his way out. Last night, C came tearing around the corner from the kennel area.
"Grandpa, Peter Pan is chewing on the kennel again!"
"Fine."
"No, Grandpa, really!"
"Fine. I'll go check on it in a minute."
"No, Grandpa, he's doing some really impressive work!"
Impressive work? My mother and I couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes. At least now I know that regardless of what else he does or doesn't learn in school, at least he's getting a pretty good vocabulary...and the ability to use it correctly.
That site has started to devolve into...well, it's devolved. We'll just put it that way.
Often, women would have questions about their relationships. As one mom on there said, "I want to find out if what my husband and I are going through is normal, but I don't want my mom, or his mom, or my best friend, to know that we're dealing with it." The site used to be a way you could compare your relationship to others and find out that yes, this stage in a relationship is perfectly normal, everyone goes through it, and we're going to be fine.
The questions eventually just got...well, pathetic. Women wanting other women to tell them if they should stay or leave after their husband/significant other/boyfriend (whatever title they want to give him...some of them change it weekly, it seems) has cheated, hit them, hit their child, stolen something, kept a secret, lost money gambling/doing drugs/on a hooker (hey, I've seen it on there!), or because his mother drives her nuts with her advice, sarcasm, criticism, or need to take over everything. Some of the reasons they want to leave are just silly, and others I just don't understand how they don't already KNOW they should leave. (example: "My husband has cheated on me 16 times, twice with my sister, 3 times with my best friend, and I caught him having a threesome with my mom and my grandma. Should I leave?" And NO, I am not making that up! I might have the numbers a little off, but it was a real question.)
Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's because I've been in a bad marriage and gotten out of it, and learned a few things from it. The first of those things being what I won't tolerate from a man. I love D to death, and I have absolutely no intention of ever ending our relationship, but there are some things that if he ever did them, I'd be getting rid of him without thinking twice. If he ever laid a hand on me, if he ever hurt my child (beyond a simple spanking or hurt feelings because they're in trouble), if he started doing drugs, drinking too much, if we were living together or married and he was taking money needed to support our home and our family to spend on drugs, gambling, or whatever, those are all things I'd get rid of him for. Cheating...I've always said that after Sperm Donor, I'd leave the first time. Honestly, though, I love D, and I think he loves me enough that if he DID cheat, he'd probably feel incredibly guilty and not do it again. So....I think if he cheated, I'd probably give him one more chance, but with a very clear "you better not hide a damn thing from me ever again" policy. In fact, if he cheated, he'd probably choose to leave me because I'd be so demanding of what he'd have to do to prove to me I could trust him again.
But what really confuses me is that so many of these women are in these relationships, and if you go by their questions, they are just absolutely miserable. And when you read the questions, or look at their profile, the stuff they are so upset about is stuff that he has always done (or not done). Why would you marry someone, or have kids with him, if you already knew he was like this? If I'd known before I married him that Sperm Donor was a lying, cheating piece of crap who was going to do everything he could to ruin my self esteem and ignore my kids...yeah, I wouldn't have touched him with a 50 foot pole. And what's even worse, is that the stuff they get upset over is often silly stuff. No, cheating is not silly. Losing money gambling or on drugs or whatever is not silly. But asking if you should leave him because he didn't take the garbage out the last two times you asked him to (Are your hands broken? Take it out yourself)? Or because he's always on the computer (so why don't you read a book, or watch TV? Does he really have to be your entertainment every minute of the day? He'll get off the computer in a little while and then you'll spend time together. If he's truly addicted and ALWAYS on it, that's one thing, but an hour a day? Not a big deal), or he smokes (make him go outside to smoke)? These are not relationship ending issues, in my opinion anyway.
That's the other thing I learned from my bad marriage. As annoying as certain habits may be, they are not something worth ending the relationship. If I really wanted to, I'm sure I could sit here and think of reasons to end my relationship. They'd all be petty, nitpicky things, but I could sit here and list things that *could* drive me nuts about him. And I'm pretty sure that he could do the same thing about me. He's not perfect, and neither am I. But I love him, and I'd rather focus on the things that I do love about him, than concentrate on the things I don't love so much. I'd rather be happy with him. And I love him so much I even try to turn the less than wonderful things into positive. So, he snores...at least if I hear him snoring, well (a) he's there with me (always a plus), and (b) at least I know he's still alive.
And when I tried to tell one woman that when she complained that she was thinking of leaving her husband because on the two nights a week (he works nights) he's home, she doesn't sleep well thanks to his snoring, she told me I needed to "take off my rose colored glasses" and that my relationship would never last.
I disagree with her. I think that when you focus on the bad, that's when your relationship won't last. How can it, if you're always thinking negatively about the other person, and therefore making yourself unhappy? I think by ignoring the things that aren't quite so endearing and thinking of the things that are, it sets us up with a better chance of making it work. And besides, I really don't think that his cigarette and red bull breakfast habit is worth living my life without him. I won't deny that if he wanted to give them up, I'd be thrilled, but it's just not a relationship ender for me.
I just don't understand why people can't appreciate the good in their relationships, in their spouses/significant others. Why do we always have to look at the negative stuff? Why can't we just ignore that, and focus on what's good about them, and good about the relationship?
I think I'm going to leave that website, because it's just gotten to be too depressing lately. Every now and then, I come across a good question, or at least one I can answer that makes me feel good about answering it, but the bad is beginning to far outweigh the good.
Ok...now that that's out of my system. :)
Last night, C & J were running around outside while my parents and I sat around talking. Peter Pan has been kennelled for...probably close to a year now, due to his inability to stop tearing things up. We let him out to run around when someone is out there to supervise him, but otherwise he's in the kennel. He likes to try to dig his way out. We improvised some chainlink fencing on the bottom of the kennel to stop that. So, now, he likes to try to chew his way out. Last night, C came tearing around the corner from the kennel area.
"Grandpa, Peter Pan is chewing on the kennel again!"
"Fine."
"No, Grandpa, really!"
"Fine. I'll go check on it in a minute."
"No, Grandpa, he's doing some really impressive work!"
Impressive work? My mother and I couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes. At least now I know that regardless of what else he does or doesn't learn in school, at least he's getting a pretty good vocabulary...and the ability to use it correctly.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Why can't you appreciate what you have?
I spend a lot of time (probably way too much...D complained one night about me being on there) on cafemom, a website for moms that *used to be* a very useful, compassionate site for moms. You could ask almost any question, about your kids, your marriage/relationship, anything at all, and get helpful, nice answers.
It's devolved into something...really not so nice anymore. Not only are the answers not so helpful, but the questions themselves have become nothing more than jokes - and not funny jokes, either. Women asking questions like "I had sex 5 times last week...could I be pregnant?" Or the one I don't think I'll ever forget is the woman who wanted to know if she should give in to her boyfriend's desire to have a threesome with a blow up doll. I mean, really? These are the kinds of things we, as mothers, are thinking about?
Earlier this week, there were two questions that got to me.
One was a woman whose ex-husband had gone to court and gotten 50/50 custody of her children, and she was terrified of what may happen while her kids were in his care. This is a fear I can easily identify with, as I often have these thoughts myself. This question actually caused two nightmares for me that night. One in which Sperm Donor married someone rather wealthy, hired a lawyer, and managed to get custody of C & J. This one was the most terrifying of the nightmares I had that night, or really, ever. The other one was that D & I had gotten married, and we were trying to convince Sperm Donor to give up his rights so that D could adopt C & J. Not only did Sperm Donor refuse, but he actually took us to court to be able to use his visitation rights again. This one almost scares me more than the other one. At least the full custody one is pretty much outside the realm of possibility. With his criminal history, the lack of visitation and the failure to pay child support, it's highly unlikely he'd get custody, even with a good lawyer, and even less likely that he'd ever actually do it. The other one, though...that could happen. He's just spiteful enough that if D & I got married and asked him to give up his rights, he'd refuse and start up the visits again just because he'd know it would upset me, and he'd hope to cause problems between D & I.
The other question was a woman who found out her husband had an online dating profile, in which he stated he was married but was looking to screw around on the side, and she wanted to know if we thought he would really cheat or if he was just "testing the waters". This question prompted a dream in which D was doing this. I know he never would, but after the other two dreams, it still bothered me. When I told D about the dream, he offered to hand over a password to show me I had nothing to worry about. It wasn't necessary for him to do that, because I already knew I had nothing to worry about. As insecure as I may get sometimes, I know he wouldn't do that to me.
But all this got me thinking. Lately, whenever I log in to cafemom, it seems like about 99% of the questions are trashing husbands or significant others in one way or another. It varies between cheating, hiding things, money issues, not helping out enough around the house, not being home enough, and in law issues for the most part.
Maybe it's just because I had such a horrible marriage that I can appreciate D a little better. But I find it kind of...ridiculous that these women married these guys, or at least decided to live with them and have kids with them, and now they want to complain about every little nitpicky thing. Half the time, they aren't complaining about something that is really worth ending the relationship over, and yet that's always how they end their question - "Should I leave him?"
I get that sometimes we all need to vent to someone, and I get that sometimes even the people we love more than anyone else in the world get on our nerves. I often threaten to duct tape the kids to the bed because they drive me nuts. D doesn't really get a chance to drive me nuts because he's gone so much. Kind of hard to drive someone nuts when you're a thousand miles or more away.
But I see the same women complaining day after day about the same stuff. I mean, I can literally go on today, find 3 women and their questions, and trust me, I can find those same 3 women and those same questions tomorrow, and Sunday, too. Maybe even Monday.
Why can't they just accept that this is the guy they married and he's not going to change? If I wanted to, I bet I could find something, maybe even a few somethings, about D to complain about. But I'd rather just accept him as he is. I have a lot more fun with him that way. And rather than complain about the fact that his job keeps him away most of the time, or that he smokes, I'd rather brag about how he really loves me, and how good he is with my kids, or how well he gets along with my parents.
D isn't perfect. Neither am I. I'm sure that just like I could find something about him to complain about, he could find something about me to complain about. But that doesn't help you have a good relationship. When you start just looking at the negatives, and complaining all the time, then you're going to be unhappy.
But you can't tell these women that. If you do, they get all offended and upset, and tell you that you don't get it. Uh...yeah, I do get it. I get that I am in a great relationship that makes me very happy because I love him and I choose to focus on the things that I love about him and make the best of those things that I wish could be different. His job's not going to change, so I focus on the fact that at least if he's not home, we can't fight. He's not going to quit smoking until he's ready, so I focus on the fact that at least it's just cigarettes and he's not doing drugs or getting totally plastered every night. I focus on the fact that he's not going to cheat on me, that he won't lie to me, that he'll be there for me whenever I need him, even if he is a thousand or more miles away.
Since I can't give these answers in the groups, here's what I really want to tell these women:
cheating - if he's cheating on you, either forgive him and move or leave him. If you don't think you can forgive, leave. If it's the 2nd, 3rd, or more time he's done it, then yes, he's going to keep doing it, and no, he's not going to ever feel bad about how much he's hurting you. He really doesn't care.
hiding things - If he's hiding things, he's lying. It's that simple. Unless what he's hiding is your Christmas or birthday present, it's not something you really want to know about. Yes, I think you should ask him, but be sure you want to hear the answer first, because I really don't want to come back here later today to see your new question is, "this is what he's hiding from me, I wish I hadn't asked, how can I make this better?"
money issues - If you two don't have enough money, then figure out a solution. We can't help you with that. If you're not working, try to find a job. If he's not working, he should try to find a job. If he's too lazy to find a job, then why are you with him? And if it's child support....get over it. You knew about his kids before you married him, you knew he'd have to pay child support. Suck it up and get on with your life. Your kids are not suffering because of his other kids, they're suffering because either you or he is refusing to find a way to make sure all the kids are taken care of.
not helping out enough around the house - Men have never helped out enough around the house. Why do we expect that to change? If you're really that desperate, then make him a freaking chore chart.
not being home enough - I really hate these, because it's always that he stops off at the bar or something for an hour after work. I don't get to see D for 3 weeks at a time, and then when I do see him, it's only 3 days, and only part of those 3 days because he has other stuff to do. So really, I don't feel sorry for you that dinner got put off until 6. At least he's there with you every night.
in law issues - you knew he had a family when you met him. You should have met them before you married him. Just like him, they aren't going to change just because you two got married. If you just don't like families in general, then marry an orphan.
Ahhh...I feel so much better now.
It's devolved into something...really not so nice anymore. Not only are the answers not so helpful, but the questions themselves have become nothing more than jokes - and not funny jokes, either. Women asking questions like "I had sex 5 times last week...could I be pregnant?" Or the one I don't think I'll ever forget is the woman who wanted to know if she should give in to her boyfriend's desire to have a threesome with a blow up doll. I mean, really? These are the kinds of things we, as mothers, are thinking about?
Earlier this week, there were two questions that got to me.
One was a woman whose ex-husband had gone to court and gotten 50/50 custody of her children, and she was terrified of what may happen while her kids were in his care. This is a fear I can easily identify with, as I often have these thoughts myself. This question actually caused two nightmares for me that night. One in which Sperm Donor married someone rather wealthy, hired a lawyer, and managed to get custody of C & J. This one was the most terrifying of the nightmares I had that night, or really, ever. The other one was that D & I had gotten married, and we were trying to convince Sperm Donor to give up his rights so that D could adopt C & J. Not only did Sperm Donor refuse, but he actually took us to court to be able to use his visitation rights again. This one almost scares me more than the other one. At least the full custody one is pretty much outside the realm of possibility. With his criminal history, the lack of visitation and the failure to pay child support, it's highly unlikely he'd get custody, even with a good lawyer, and even less likely that he'd ever actually do it. The other one, though...that could happen. He's just spiteful enough that if D & I got married and asked him to give up his rights, he'd refuse and start up the visits again just because he'd know it would upset me, and he'd hope to cause problems between D & I.
The other question was a woman who found out her husband had an online dating profile, in which he stated he was married but was looking to screw around on the side, and she wanted to know if we thought he would really cheat or if he was just "testing the waters". This question prompted a dream in which D was doing this. I know he never would, but after the other two dreams, it still bothered me. When I told D about the dream, he offered to hand over a password to show me I had nothing to worry about. It wasn't necessary for him to do that, because I already knew I had nothing to worry about. As insecure as I may get sometimes, I know he wouldn't do that to me.
But all this got me thinking. Lately, whenever I log in to cafemom, it seems like about 99% of the questions are trashing husbands or significant others in one way or another. It varies between cheating, hiding things, money issues, not helping out enough around the house, not being home enough, and in law issues for the most part.
Maybe it's just because I had such a horrible marriage that I can appreciate D a little better. But I find it kind of...ridiculous that these women married these guys, or at least decided to live with them and have kids with them, and now they want to complain about every little nitpicky thing. Half the time, they aren't complaining about something that is really worth ending the relationship over, and yet that's always how they end their question - "Should I leave him?"
I get that sometimes we all need to vent to someone, and I get that sometimes even the people we love more than anyone else in the world get on our nerves. I often threaten to duct tape the kids to the bed because they drive me nuts. D doesn't really get a chance to drive me nuts because he's gone so much. Kind of hard to drive someone nuts when you're a thousand miles or more away.
But I see the same women complaining day after day about the same stuff. I mean, I can literally go on today, find 3 women and their questions, and trust me, I can find those same 3 women and those same questions tomorrow, and Sunday, too. Maybe even Monday.
Why can't they just accept that this is the guy they married and he's not going to change? If I wanted to, I bet I could find something, maybe even a few somethings, about D to complain about. But I'd rather just accept him as he is. I have a lot more fun with him that way. And rather than complain about the fact that his job keeps him away most of the time, or that he smokes, I'd rather brag about how he really loves me, and how good he is with my kids, or how well he gets along with my parents.
D isn't perfect. Neither am I. I'm sure that just like I could find something about him to complain about, he could find something about me to complain about. But that doesn't help you have a good relationship. When you start just looking at the negatives, and complaining all the time, then you're going to be unhappy.
But you can't tell these women that. If you do, they get all offended and upset, and tell you that you don't get it. Uh...yeah, I do get it. I get that I am in a great relationship that makes me very happy because I love him and I choose to focus on the things that I love about him and make the best of those things that I wish could be different. His job's not going to change, so I focus on the fact that at least if he's not home, we can't fight. He's not going to quit smoking until he's ready, so I focus on the fact that at least it's just cigarettes and he's not doing drugs or getting totally plastered every night. I focus on the fact that he's not going to cheat on me, that he won't lie to me, that he'll be there for me whenever I need him, even if he is a thousand or more miles away.
Since I can't give these answers in the groups, here's what I really want to tell these women:
cheating - if he's cheating on you, either forgive him and move or leave him. If you don't think you can forgive, leave. If it's the 2nd, 3rd, or more time he's done it, then yes, he's going to keep doing it, and no, he's not going to ever feel bad about how much he's hurting you. He really doesn't care.
hiding things - If he's hiding things, he's lying. It's that simple. Unless what he's hiding is your Christmas or birthday present, it's not something you really want to know about. Yes, I think you should ask him, but be sure you want to hear the answer first, because I really don't want to come back here later today to see your new question is, "this is what he's hiding from me, I wish I hadn't asked, how can I make this better?"
money issues - If you two don't have enough money, then figure out a solution. We can't help you with that. If you're not working, try to find a job. If he's not working, he should try to find a job. If he's too lazy to find a job, then why are you with him? And if it's child support....get over it. You knew about his kids before you married him, you knew he'd have to pay child support. Suck it up and get on with your life. Your kids are not suffering because of his other kids, they're suffering because either you or he is refusing to find a way to make sure all the kids are taken care of.
not helping out enough around the house - Men have never helped out enough around the house. Why do we expect that to change? If you're really that desperate, then make him a freaking chore chart.
not being home enough - I really hate these, because it's always that he stops off at the bar or something for an hour after work. I don't get to see D for 3 weeks at a time, and then when I do see him, it's only 3 days, and only part of those 3 days because he has other stuff to do. So really, I don't feel sorry for you that dinner got put off until 6. At least he's there with you every night.
in law issues - you knew he had a family when you met him. You should have met them before you married him. Just like him, they aren't going to change just because you two got married. If you just don't like families in general, then marry an orphan.
Ahhh...I feel so much better now.
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