I spend a lot of time (probably way too much...D complained one night about me being on there) on cafemom, a website for moms that *used to be* a very useful, compassionate site for moms. You could ask almost any question, about your kids, your marriage/relationship, anything at all, and get helpful, nice answers.
It's devolved into something...really not so nice anymore. Not only are the answers not so helpful, but the questions themselves have become nothing more than jokes - and not funny jokes, either. Women asking questions like "I had sex 5 times last week...could I be pregnant?" Or the one I don't think I'll ever forget is the woman who wanted to know if she should give in to her boyfriend's desire to have a threesome with a blow up doll. I mean, really? These are the kinds of things we, as mothers, are thinking about?
Earlier this week, there were two questions that got to me.
One was a woman whose ex-husband had gone to court and gotten 50/50 custody of her children, and she was terrified of what may happen while her kids were in his care. This is a fear I can easily identify with, as I often have these thoughts myself. This question actually caused two nightmares for me that night. One in which Sperm Donor married someone rather wealthy, hired a lawyer, and managed to get custody of C & J. This one was the most terrifying of the nightmares I had that night, or really, ever. The other one was that D & I had gotten married, and we were trying to convince Sperm Donor to give up his rights so that D could adopt C & J. Not only did Sperm Donor refuse, but he actually took us to court to be able to use his visitation rights again. This one almost scares me more than the other one. At least the full custody one is pretty much outside the realm of possibility. With his criminal history, the lack of visitation and the failure to pay child support, it's highly unlikely he'd get custody, even with a good lawyer, and even less likely that he'd ever actually do it. The other one, though...that could happen. He's just spiteful enough that if D & I got married and asked him to give up his rights, he'd refuse and start up the visits again just because he'd know it would upset me, and he'd hope to cause problems between D & I.
The other question was a woman who found out her husband had an online dating profile, in which he stated he was married but was looking to screw around on the side, and she wanted to know if we thought he would really cheat or if he was just "testing the waters". This question prompted a dream in which D was doing this. I know he never would, but after the other two dreams, it still bothered me. When I told D about the dream, he offered to hand over a password to show me I had nothing to worry about. It wasn't necessary for him to do that, because I already knew I had nothing to worry about. As insecure as I may get sometimes, I know he wouldn't do that to me.
But all this got me thinking. Lately, whenever I log in to cafemom, it seems like about 99% of the questions are trashing husbands or significant others in one way or another. It varies between cheating, hiding things, money issues, not helping out enough around the house, not being home enough, and in law issues for the most part.
Maybe it's just because I had such a horrible marriage that I can appreciate D a little better. But I find it kind of...ridiculous that these women married these guys, or at least decided to live with them and have kids with them, and now they want to complain about every little nitpicky thing. Half the time, they aren't complaining about something that is really worth ending the relationship over, and yet that's always how they end their question - "Should I leave him?"
I get that sometimes we all need to vent to someone, and I get that sometimes even the people we love more than anyone else in the world get on our nerves. I often threaten to duct tape the kids to the bed because they drive me nuts. D doesn't really get a chance to drive me nuts because he's gone so much. Kind of hard to drive someone nuts when you're a thousand miles or more away.
But I see the same women complaining day after day about the same stuff. I mean, I can literally go on today, find 3 women and their questions, and trust me, I can find those same 3 women and those same questions tomorrow, and Sunday, too. Maybe even Monday.
Why can't they just accept that this is the guy they married and he's not going to change? If I wanted to, I bet I could find something, maybe even a few somethings, about D to complain about. But I'd rather just accept him as he is. I have a lot more fun with him that way. And rather than complain about the fact that his job keeps him away most of the time, or that he smokes, I'd rather brag about how he really loves me, and how good he is with my kids, or how well he gets along with my parents.
D isn't perfect. Neither am I. I'm sure that just like I could find something about him to complain about, he could find something about me to complain about. But that doesn't help you have a good relationship. When you start just looking at the negatives, and complaining all the time, then you're going to be unhappy.
But you can't tell these women that. If you do, they get all offended and upset, and tell you that you don't get it. Uh...yeah, I do get it. I get that I am in a great relationship that makes me very happy because I love him and I choose to focus on the things that I love about him and make the best of those things that I wish could be different. His job's not going to change, so I focus on the fact that at least if he's not home, we can't fight. He's not going to quit smoking until he's ready, so I focus on the fact that at least it's just cigarettes and he's not doing drugs or getting totally plastered every night. I focus on the fact that he's not going to cheat on me, that he won't lie to me, that he'll be there for me whenever I need him, even if he is a thousand or more miles away.
Since I can't give these answers in the groups, here's what I really want to tell these women:
cheating - if he's cheating on you, either forgive him and move or leave him. If you don't think you can forgive, leave. If it's the 2nd, 3rd, or more time he's done it, then yes, he's going to keep doing it, and no, he's not going to ever feel bad about how much he's hurting you. He really doesn't care.
hiding things - If he's hiding things, he's lying. It's that simple. Unless what he's hiding is your Christmas or birthday present, it's not something you really want to know about. Yes, I think you should ask him, but be sure you want to hear the answer first, because I really don't want to come back here later today to see your new question is, "this is what he's hiding from me, I wish I hadn't asked, how can I make this better?"
money issues - If you two don't have enough money, then figure out a solution. We can't help you with that. If you're not working, try to find a job. If he's not working, he should try to find a job. If he's too lazy to find a job, then why are you with him? And if it's child support....get over it. You knew about his kids before you married him, you knew he'd have to pay child support. Suck it up and get on with your life. Your kids are not suffering because of his other kids, they're suffering because either you or he is refusing to find a way to make sure all the kids are taken care of.
not helping out enough around the house - Men have never helped out enough around the house. Why do we expect that to change? If you're really that desperate, then make him a freaking chore chart.
not being home enough - I really hate these, because it's always that he stops off at the bar or something for an hour after work. I don't get to see D for 3 weeks at a time, and then when I do see him, it's only 3 days, and only part of those 3 days because he has other stuff to do. So really, I don't feel sorry for you that dinner got put off until 6. At least he's there with you every night.
in law issues - you knew he had a family when you met him. You should have met them before you married him. Just like him, they aren't going to change just because you two got married. If you just don't like families in general, then marry an orphan.
Ahhh...I feel so much better now.
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