For the past week or so, we've had more cloudy days than sunny ones. I'm one of those people who loves thunderstorms and rain and such, but really needs the sun to be happy. And it doesn't help that my parents house is surrounded by trees, so doesn't really get a whole lot of sunlight even on a bright day.
Apparently, all the cloudiness has really brought me down. Today it's all just kind of hit me at once, everything that seems to be wrong with my life. My father did my tax return for me this morning, and I'm not getting back nearly as much as I usually do. They need money to put in a new drainfield for their septic tank, and apparently I'm supposed to just hand over my tax refund, and they'll kick in the little bit more that's needed.
I don't begrudge my parents the money. But...I still have bills to pay. And D and I have been planning on moving in together eventually. That won't happen if I have no money. I certainly can't expect him to pay for everything. Not that that really matters anyway, since I also started thinking about how before the economy got so bad, I barely made enough to pay for childcare, groceries, and the phone, electric, and cable bills. Meaning, even if I find a job at this point, I'll be lucky if it pays enough to cover childcare and groceries. And I don't have much hope for even finding that right now.
I'd hoped to save my refund so that if/when D and I were ready to move in together, I'd have a little extra stashed away in case we needed it. My parents don't seem to get it; that, or they don't think we're serious about it. They're putting me in a really bad position here. They want me and the kids to eventually move out, they don't want D to move in here. And yet they want basically all my money to take care of their house. How am I supposed to move out if I have no money? And why should my relationship have to live in permanent limbo because they took all my money? Yes, I get that this house isn't big enough for 6 people. But I also get that this wasn't my choice. None of this was my choice.
They decided to buy the property. They decided to build my house. They decided to pay my mortgage for me. They made all these decisions, that were supposed to be for me and my kids. I would have been fine with renting, or at least putting a mobile home on the property. It would have been faster and cheaper, and we might have still been able to cover it all. Now, I'm stuck living here, with my parents again, at the age of 31, with 2 kids.
D is looking at going to school to become a pilot. I'm happy for him, and I completely support his decision, if he decides to do it. I know he can do it. He's more than smart enough, he's definitely determined enough, and it's been his dream since he was a kid. But...as happy as I am for him, it's also a little depressing for me. There's nowhere nearby that he can do it, so he'll have to go somewhere else. We already aren't in a position to live together, and him going somewhere else and going to school isn't going to put us in a position to live together. Which means...not only will we still not be living together, but we'll be further apart, and see each other less often. Maybe I'm wrong about all this, but I doubt it. He'll be so busy with school, we won't be able to see each other as much...I wonder if our relationship will be able to survive that. I guess I'll find out. I love him too much to try to stop him from going after his dream.
He doesn't know I'm having any of these thoughts. I'm going to tell him. I'm tempted not to. I don't want to depress him, or make him rethink what he wants to do (I want him to achieve his dreams), or make him feel like I'm trying to stop him. Which I'm afraid is going to happen if I tell him what I'm thinking. But...I also remember that I said I wasn't going to do that anymore. I said I was going to tell him how I felt, and what I thought, from now on. So, as tempted as I am to pretend nothing is bothering me and everything is fine, I'm going to tell him the next time he calls me (which should be later today). I'm not sure yet how I'm going to bring it up or what exactly I'm going to say. I'm not sure how to word it where it won't sound like I'm trying to change his mind or something. I guess I'm just...wondering if he's given any thought to how hard it's going to be to do what he wants to do and still find time for us. I bet, if he has, he thinks he can do it. And he can, I'm sure, but at what expense? He'll end up stressed and exhausted trying to keep up with everything.
I suppose I should probably just face the reality that I will probably be stuck living with my parents for many, many years. Someday, I will find a job. I hope. I'm sure D and I will survive whatever happens, even if it's hard, and I'm probably just worrying over nothing. I guess at some point, some day, we'll figure out a way to finally get a place together.
I would probably feel a lot better if the sun would come out, even for just a little while. Otherwise, I think I'm just going to go quietly insane with all my depressing thoughts.
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