Before I had kids, dating was easy. I was free whenever I wanted to go out, and I could date guys who were of slightly iffy character, because I didn't have to worry about anyone but me. And I (stupidly in retrospect) thought that I could take care of myself just fine and had nothing to worry about.
My ex-husband changed all of that. Not just because he gave me the two kids that I now have to worry about, but because he was such a major *insert REALLY dirty word here* that my standards have gotten drastically higher.
While they are higher, I don't think my standards are really that much to ask. I want a man that is mentally stable (by mentally stable I mean don't tell me aliens are your best friend or that you're in love with me 5 seconds after we met). I want someone who actually wants to be with me, and is willing to give up other women to do so. Someone who can make me laugh, and who, although he might have the power to break my heart, won't actually do it just because he can. And is it really so much to ask that he be honest? And I don't just mean on the big things. If you're 28, tell me that. Don't lie and say you're 39. I mean, really. I can tell just by looking at you that you're not. And oh, if you're married, pass me by. I know what it's like to be the wife sitting at home thinking my husband is out with his "buddy" while in reality he's banging the bartender at his favorite bar. Now, I'm not a bartender, but I refuse to play her role in your version.
My friends keep telling me that I can find guys who meet these standards. I hope they're right. E is certainly nice enough, so they're probably right. But E and I are only going to be friends, I think. I did just start talking to someone else, and so far, he seems really nice. We've only had a couple of conversations so far, though, so we'll see.
And on another note, if you want a really good laugh, find a 6 yr old boy and teach him to sing "Superfreak". J heard this on the Visa commercial the other day, and for the last week has run around the house singing, "She's a superfreak, superfreak, she's superfreaky". It might not be entirely appropriate, but it is completely hilarious.
Showing posts with label Reflections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflections. Show all posts
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Wow...
It's been a very, very long time since I last posted. I've been slacking, and I really don't have much of an excuse. I do have plenty to say, however.
Has anyone else noticed that in these tough times, we are scrimping on the things that matter most, the things that we shouldn't be scrimping on? My children's school system has to cut between $23-$33 MILLION dollars from its budget for the 2009-2010 school yr. Now, maybe I'm wrong here, but it seems to me that leaving the next generation sorely undereducated or even UNeducated is NOT the way to solve this economic crisis. How are my children ever to have a chance to do better than me if their education isn't as good as mine? I am seriously considering homeschooling, depending on the cuts they decide to make, in order to be sure my children get a halfway decent education.
Our school district has cut 522 teachers. 522 teachers that are now jobless. Only 4 of them at my children's school, but one of them is J's Pre-K teacher. Granted, he'll have her thru the end of the yr, but still. She'll be out of a job, and just like me and everyone else out there, she has a home, a child, and bills to take care of. There will now be classrooms with more kids in them, leading to a less than stellar education. They keep insisting that "we will still be within regulations regarding class size." Well, whoop-de-doo. You can drive 55 and still be within the legal speed limit, but does that mean it's always best to drive 55? Of course not.
C struggles with math. He's apparently inherited my sorry math skills. I am very concerned that he will suffer greatly from these cuts, since the loss of teachers is not the only change that will be made. We don't know what else they are going to do yet. It's a waiting game right now, as is everything else.
Right now, C gets extra help in the classroom for his math issues. But that's because there's an assistant in the classroom. Will there be one next yr? Or will my son just be expected to either figure it out on his own or fail?
Yet, in all this discussion of "what can we cut?", no one is suggesting FCAT. All this No Child Left Behind crap, and what is it really doing? Well, I'll tell you this: it's not doing what they claim it does, or should. I see my son being taught stuff that has absolutely no real bearing on life, but it must be learned because it's on some stupid test that even the people who administrate it can't pass. They won't admit that, but seriously, if they took the test, I'm sure that probably 90% of the school board members, government and everyone else involved in the creation of this ridiculous "program" couldn't pass it.
Cutting education budgets is a mistake. I've always tried to be an optimistic person, not all gloom and doom. But I don't see any possible way that these cuts will NOT lead to bad things. Crime and drug use will rise as these kids get older. My kids will miss out on things that I had when I was a child, and while I will admit that I was slightly spoiled, it's just not right. There is supposed to be that...expectation that the next generation will do better than the one before it. Better money, better home, education, job, on and on down the line. Well, so far, what little I had that was better than my parents has been taken away from me. And my own children, at least the way it looks right now, will never have anything better than me. They'll be lucky to have things as good as I did.
I was laid off last May, and I still have no job. There are no jobs around here. What few there are, have their pick of candidates. I'm stuck in a limbo where people who are better educated than me are taking my jobs, but I can't get a job in a lesser position because I'm "overqualified, and we're not going to train you just to have you leave when something better comes along." I've got a family to support, I don't want to work at Target or Walgreens, but if they'd give me a damn job, I'd be grateful and I damn sure wouldn't be going anywhere any time soon.
My kids love the extra time with me, we have more time to work on homework, to play games, watch movies, play outside and just be together. And I won't deny I enjoy it, too. But at the same time, it's a major problem too. It would appear that I may end up having to give up my house. Things have just reached the point where it's not feasible to keep it anymore. This breaks my heart in so many ways. This house is my dream, it was my goal for so long, and I swore once I had it, I would never leave. It's the first home that both my kids could call theirs. I feel as though I am letting them down, that I have failed them. I haven't told them yet. And frankly, I don't know that they'll really care. We'll have to move back in with my parents, if we have to give the house up, which my kids would actually like, so they've told me. But that doesn't eliminate my feelings of guilt and failure.
My mother told me that she thought I was not a very materialistic person, and I'm not. But a home...it's not just a possession. It's security, it's comfort, familiarity, it's the one thing that should be constant, that you know no matter what else is happening or changing, home is always there. Losing a house is not just losing a material possession. It's like losing all that security, comfort, the consistency.
I know there are countless others out there that are going thru the same situation. We are not the only ones. But that knowledge does not make the situation any easier.
Everything is so screwed up. Let's hope it gets better soon.
Has anyone else noticed that in these tough times, we are scrimping on the things that matter most, the things that we shouldn't be scrimping on? My children's school system has to cut between $23-$33 MILLION dollars from its budget for the 2009-2010 school yr. Now, maybe I'm wrong here, but it seems to me that leaving the next generation sorely undereducated or even UNeducated is NOT the way to solve this economic crisis. How are my children ever to have a chance to do better than me if their education isn't as good as mine? I am seriously considering homeschooling, depending on the cuts they decide to make, in order to be sure my children get a halfway decent education.
Our school district has cut 522 teachers. 522 teachers that are now jobless. Only 4 of them at my children's school, but one of them is J's Pre-K teacher. Granted, he'll have her thru the end of the yr, but still. She'll be out of a job, and just like me and everyone else out there, she has a home, a child, and bills to take care of. There will now be classrooms with more kids in them, leading to a less than stellar education. They keep insisting that "we will still be within regulations regarding class size." Well, whoop-de-doo. You can drive 55 and still be within the legal speed limit, but does that mean it's always best to drive 55? Of course not.
C struggles with math. He's apparently inherited my sorry math skills. I am very concerned that he will suffer greatly from these cuts, since the loss of teachers is not the only change that will be made. We don't know what else they are going to do yet. It's a waiting game right now, as is everything else.
Right now, C gets extra help in the classroom for his math issues. But that's because there's an assistant in the classroom. Will there be one next yr? Or will my son just be expected to either figure it out on his own or fail?
Yet, in all this discussion of "what can we cut?", no one is suggesting FCAT. All this No Child Left Behind crap, and what is it really doing? Well, I'll tell you this: it's not doing what they claim it does, or should. I see my son being taught stuff that has absolutely no real bearing on life, but it must be learned because it's on some stupid test that even the people who administrate it can't pass. They won't admit that, but seriously, if they took the test, I'm sure that probably 90% of the school board members, government and everyone else involved in the creation of this ridiculous "program" couldn't pass it.
Cutting education budgets is a mistake. I've always tried to be an optimistic person, not all gloom and doom. But I don't see any possible way that these cuts will NOT lead to bad things. Crime and drug use will rise as these kids get older. My kids will miss out on things that I had when I was a child, and while I will admit that I was slightly spoiled, it's just not right. There is supposed to be that...expectation that the next generation will do better than the one before it. Better money, better home, education, job, on and on down the line. Well, so far, what little I had that was better than my parents has been taken away from me. And my own children, at least the way it looks right now, will never have anything better than me. They'll be lucky to have things as good as I did.
I was laid off last May, and I still have no job. There are no jobs around here. What few there are, have their pick of candidates. I'm stuck in a limbo where people who are better educated than me are taking my jobs, but I can't get a job in a lesser position because I'm "overqualified, and we're not going to train you just to have you leave when something better comes along." I've got a family to support, I don't want to work at Target or Walgreens, but if they'd give me a damn job, I'd be grateful and I damn sure wouldn't be going anywhere any time soon.
My kids love the extra time with me, we have more time to work on homework, to play games, watch movies, play outside and just be together. And I won't deny I enjoy it, too. But at the same time, it's a major problem too. It would appear that I may end up having to give up my house. Things have just reached the point where it's not feasible to keep it anymore. This breaks my heart in so many ways. This house is my dream, it was my goal for so long, and I swore once I had it, I would never leave. It's the first home that both my kids could call theirs. I feel as though I am letting them down, that I have failed them. I haven't told them yet. And frankly, I don't know that they'll really care. We'll have to move back in with my parents, if we have to give the house up, which my kids would actually like, so they've told me. But that doesn't eliminate my feelings of guilt and failure.
My mother told me that she thought I was not a very materialistic person, and I'm not. But a home...it's not just a possession. It's security, it's comfort, familiarity, it's the one thing that should be constant, that you know no matter what else is happening or changing, home is always there. Losing a house is not just losing a material possession. It's like losing all that security, comfort, the consistency.
I know there are countless others out there that are going thru the same situation. We are not the only ones. But that knowledge does not make the situation any easier.
Everything is so screwed up. Let's hope it gets better soon.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Learning to Fly
I've begun spreading my wings, and opening my mind further than before. I've always been a pretty open-minded person, willing to be friends with anyone, try just about anything, and learn anything anyone was willing to teach me. But, I've done two things in the last three days that I used to swear I'd never do. We'll start with the easy one first.
I ate venison tonight. It was good. I was quite surprised. I know people eat it all the time, but the idea of eating deer, that someone shot and prepped themselves, that didn't come from a store, always just kind of grossed me out. But, this particular venison came from a close friend of the family, someone whom I trust with my life and that of my children, and so when my mother made it, and asked me if we would try it to (she swore it was very good), I did. I did not tell my kids what it was though. They loved it, but I have a feeling if I tell them what it is, they will be like I was and not want it. It's funny...I live in the redneck capital of the state, and I've only just tried venison at the age of 29.
Now, on to the bigger thing. I've had to eat my own words. I used to be the type of female who said there would never, ever be a snake, lizard, or any other reptile in my home, no matter what. Meet the new members of our family, Kaitlyn and Evan:
I ate venison tonight. It was good. I was quite surprised. I know people eat it all the time, but the idea of eating deer, that someone shot and prepped themselves, that didn't come from a store, always just kind of grossed me out. But, this particular venison came from a close friend of the family, someone whom I trust with my life and that of my children, and so when my mother made it, and asked me if we would try it to (she swore it was very good), I did. I did not tell my kids what it was though. They loved it, but I have a feeling if I tell them what it is, they will be like I was and not want it. It's funny...I live in the redneck capital of the state, and I've only just tried venison at the age of 29.
Now, on to the bigger thing. I've had to eat my own words. I used to be the type of female who said there would never, ever be a snake, lizard, or any other reptile in my home, no matter what. Meet the new members of our family, Kaitlyn and Evan:
Yep, lizards. Baby Dragons, to be precise. We went to the Medieval Faire in a nearby town, and my boys saw these almost as soon as we came through the gate. Throughout the rest of the fair, all I heard was, "Are we gonna go back and get the lizards now?" and "But, I want a lizard, Mom!". Grandma and Grandpa were the ones who took us, and they wanted to buy them for the boys. And, I have to admit, as pets go, these are not bad. Cheap and easy to feed, you give them a nickel sized slice of banana or a capful of banana or peach baby food, and they're set for about three weeks. No clean-up - spray the tank with water twice a day and it evaporates all their little...potty. Although, we have a Betta Fish, and he is not real thrilled with his new neighbors. He was fine all day yesterday, but when I came home tonight, he was over in his tank right next to theirs, all blown up and agitated. I had to put a piece of paper between their tanks so that he would calm down. But, seriously, the lizards are pretty cool. You can hold them, and the clincher on the deal was the fact that they will mate. She will lay an egg that will hatch over a six hour period after a 45 day incubation. Great science and life lesson for the boys. I'm happy about that, and they just can't wait. They were told that they would know she was ready to lay an egg because her tummy would be fat, so they ask me about 20 times a day if her tummy is fat yet.
I still maintain there will NEVER be a snake in my house.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
The Past Rears Its Head...
I was playing around on the internet the other night, just bored and looking for something to do. I started thinking of the names of guys I used to date and people I used to be friends with. Just for the sheer fun of it, I started looking up their names on the internet, just to see what might pop up. I found some of them, and my....what a shock.
They are nothing like I would have imagined. You know how, when you're dating someone, you kind of picture yourself in the future with them? You know, trying to see what it might be like? These guys were nothing like what I figured. I mean, we're talking balding, beer-belly types, or worse, no different, AT ALL, than high school. Still toking, still acting like they're 16 or 17 years old.
It's funny the things that will change how you look at the world, or at your past. I wasn't wearing rose-colored glasses, per se, but I did have this somewhat...soft view of the "old days". I'm a mother of two now, and so of course, on those long, hard days when nothing more than sheer determination and will power gets me through, I think back on the days before I had kids. How easy it was, how "nice" it was. This has changed that, though. The guy who's no different, it's made me look back on those memories and see that I knew, even then, that this was how he would turn out. Which is really a shame, because he was really a nice guy, very intelligent, with a lot of potential to do great things. The one who's balding with a beer belly, I've realized that I never really knew him at all, even though I thought I did at the time, and until now, would have continued to think so. Dated him for several years, in truth, and he as actually "the first". And although I still will say that I did honestly love him, I can see now that what I loved was what little I did know of him. Not that he's a bad guy. I don't think he is. Based on what I read about him, he's probably still a nice guy. It's just that I now realize that I only knew little bits and pieces of him, the ones he wanted me to know. He held back from me, which considering we were young teenagers, makes me really wonder. What on earth does a young teenage boy have to hold back from his girlfriend?
However, all this sifting through the past has done something else for me. For quite some time now I have wanted to lose the weight that I gained when having my children. I've just never found the strength, the will, the energy, the whatever to do it. But in looking back at the past, I also saw myself. And I'm not much different than I was back then. A few pounds heavier, two more children, and an ex-husband, but still much the same. Smart-mouthed, bitchy, opinionated, confident, and wanting to find a decent man.
Finding a decent man won't happen though, as long as I feel bad about my weight. But it's not just about finding a nice guy. It's about feeling better about myself, about looking better and being healthier, and setting a good example for my kids. Therefore, I have gotten serious about it now. I am eating healthier, and less, and drinking water. I now spend my time running back and forth to the bathroom. I've come to the conclusion that the only way water helps you lose weight is all the calories you burn on the bathroom runs you make every five minutes. And this week, I'm going to start working out. I'm determined now. I will not give up, I will not give in. I will lose 30 pounds by the beginning of May, and will set a new goal to lose another twenty or thirty after that.
I want my kids to be proud of me. I want to be able to play with them. They are my motivation. Sometimes, pure determination is the only thing that gets me through my day. I hate my job, I hate my financial situation, and there is no reward at the end of the day. Pure determination and grit, the simple thought that "I will get through this day" is all that gets me through, and now I will use that determination, that grit, that thought, to get me through this. I will do this. I will not stop.
They are nothing like I would have imagined. You know how, when you're dating someone, you kind of picture yourself in the future with them? You know, trying to see what it might be like? These guys were nothing like what I figured. I mean, we're talking balding, beer-belly types, or worse, no different, AT ALL, than high school. Still toking, still acting like they're 16 or 17 years old.
It's funny the things that will change how you look at the world, or at your past. I wasn't wearing rose-colored glasses, per se, but I did have this somewhat...soft view of the "old days". I'm a mother of two now, and so of course, on those long, hard days when nothing more than sheer determination and will power gets me through, I think back on the days before I had kids. How easy it was, how "nice" it was. This has changed that, though. The guy who's no different, it's made me look back on those memories and see that I knew, even then, that this was how he would turn out. Which is really a shame, because he was really a nice guy, very intelligent, with a lot of potential to do great things. The one who's balding with a beer belly, I've realized that I never really knew him at all, even though I thought I did at the time, and until now, would have continued to think so. Dated him for several years, in truth, and he as actually "the first". And although I still will say that I did honestly love him, I can see now that what I loved was what little I did know of him. Not that he's a bad guy. I don't think he is. Based on what I read about him, he's probably still a nice guy. It's just that I now realize that I only knew little bits and pieces of him, the ones he wanted me to know. He held back from me, which considering we were young teenagers, makes me really wonder. What on earth does a young teenage boy have to hold back from his girlfriend?
However, all this sifting through the past has done something else for me. For quite some time now I have wanted to lose the weight that I gained when having my children. I've just never found the strength, the will, the energy, the whatever to do it. But in looking back at the past, I also saw myself. And I'm not much different than I was back then. A few pounds heavier, two more children, and an ex-husband, but still much the same. Smart-mouthed, bitchy, opinionated, confident, and wanting to find a decent man.
Finding a decent man won't happen though, as long as I feel bad about my weight. But it's not just about finding a nice guy. It's about feeling better about myself, about looking better and being healthier, and setting a good example for my kids. Therefore, I have gotten serious about it now. I am eating healthier, and less, and drinking water. I now spend my time running back and forth to the bathroom. I've come to the conclusion that the only way water helps you lose weight is all the calories you burn on the bathroom runs you make every five minutes. And this week, I'm going to start working out. I'm determined now. I will not give up, I will not give in. I will lose 30 pounds by the beginning of May, and will set a new goal to lose another twenty or thirty after that.
I want my kids to be proud of me. I want to be able to play with them. They are my motivation. Sometimes, pure determination is the only thing that gets me through my day. I hate my job, I hate my financial situation, and there is no reward at the end of the day. Pure determination and grit, the simple thought that "I will get through this day" is all that gets me through, and now I will use that determination, that grit, that thought, to get me through this. I will do this. I will not stop.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Inspiration...and the lack thereof
As you may or may not have figured out by now, I enjoy writing. I write stories, short stories, and poetry. I've generally been much more prolific with my poetry. Lately, though, I just can't come up with anything. I'm surrounded by the beauty of nature, the beauty of my children, my family, my home, friends and just the general beauty of life. And yet...nothing.
I sit down with pen and paper, and if I'm lucky, a line or two will dribble forth as water from a nearly but not quite frozen pipe. I'll feel the poem building like storm clouds in a Florida summer sky, but like those same clouds in recent times, nothing seems to fall from that building sensation. I end up sitting there, feeling abandoned by my ability and hating the feeling.
I used to be able to sit down and bang out a rather decent poem in 20-30 minutes, one that often made family and friends have a tear or two in their eyes, and even on occasion, had some asking to use said poem in a wedding ceremony, for an anniversary, or what have you. This complete lack of inspiration has me stymied.
It's just beyond me that after years of writing poetry about so many things, about love, and life, and abuse, and children, and everything else, that I just can't do it anymore. And I think maybe that's what bothers me the most...that this lack may not be just a temporary block, but a permanent end to my writing days. And that doesn't just bother me...it scares me.
I have other hobbies and talents, yes. But this is the one that has always been there, that I've always turned to, that I've been able to do anytime, anywhere. It's the one that has always helped me work my feelings out, sort myself out, express myself and show people what I'm feeling at any given time. And now, what do I do?
I think I've found an answer. One of my other big hobbies is photography. I'm actually kind of the family photographer. I use my digital camera to do my family's photo every year, and my son's school photos. I seem to have a knack for catching people in natural poses and coming out with an awesome photo. I enjoy taking pictures of nature, too, and just any little thing that grabs my curiousity at a given time. So...I think I shall start carrying my camera with me everywhere, and see what develops. Sorry...bad joke. Seriously, though, I've given this quite a bit of thought recently, and I'm thinking this may be a sign telling me to embrace this hobby a bit more fully than I have in the past. I've generally just used it to capture my children, to make concrete memories that will never fade. I've only sometimes used it to capture nature, and other things. I feel that maybe this is a knock on the door from opportunity, telling me to use this lack of inspiration to create other art. I've always been a creative person, and desperately need that creative outlet. Photography may be the way to keep that outlet open.
On a different note, have you ever suddenly seen someone you thought you knew pretty well in a completely different way, and it made you feel...I don't know, just very differently about them? I recently had that experience. Someone I'd known for a while now, nice guy. Someone I'd always thought was a pretty decent kind of guy. He was former military, which almost always means good guy. He was the kind of guy you can see yourself dating, but you hold off on because you don't want to lose the friendship. He knows of my woes with my ex-husband, and has often told me what he thinks of my ex. He often expounds on his theories of men who don't care for their children, take responsibility for their families, etc. He has a child himself, has shown me the pics. Cute little girl, too.
So he tells me he's finally gotten around to creating a MySpace page. He wants me to check it out and give him some feedback. So, I go, I check out, and not bad. then I get to the bottom where you do a little fill-in-the-blank on your basic stats. Under children, he puts "Someday". Huh? He's got this little girl, she's, I don't know, 3 or 4, around my son's age, and he doesn't acknowledge her in his MySpace profile? The same guy who tells me what an ass my ex-husband is for not taking care of my kids(which he is, but...) is now not acknowledging his child? I, with my big mouth and my inability to shut it sometimes, ask him what's up here. He says he doesn't want to chase women away. Hmmm...yes, I run screaming into the night when I find a nice guy who takes care of his responsibilities and is proud of that. I always avoid the men who take care of their kids, because God knows no one wants a man who's being decent.
This has been an enlightening experience for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. But I try really damn hard not to be a hypocrite, and finding out that my friend is one is...difficult. It has me wondering if I can continue this friendship. It's not exactly a betrayal to me, but it is...something. It's a side of him that I never thought I'd see, and definitely not one I wanted to see. I just feel that it's not something that I can just overlook. And the saddest part is that it has me wondering just how many of my other friends are just as hypocritical, lying about who and what they are to others, just to make a different impression. Notice I said different, not better.
I'm just completely disgusted with the world tonight.
I sit down with pen and paper, and if I'm lucky, a line or two will dribble forth as water from a nearly but not quite frozen pipe. I'll feel the poem building like storm clouds in a Florida summer sky, but like those same clouds in recent times, nothing seems to fall from that building sensation. I end up sitting there, feeling abandoned by my ability and hating the feeling.
I used to be able to sit down and bang out a rather decent poem in 20-30 minutes, one that often made family and friends have a tear or two in their eyes, and even on occasion, had some asking to use said poem in a wedding ceremony, for an anniversary, or what have you. This complete lack of inspiration has me stymied.
It's just beyond me that after years of writing poetry about so many things, about love, and life, and abuse, and children, and everything else, that I just can't do it anymore. And I think maybe that's what bothers me the most...that this lack may not be just a temporary block, but a permanent end to my writing days. And that doesn't just bother me...it scares me.
I have other hobbies and talents, yes. But this is the one that has always been there, that I've always turned to, that I've been able to do anytime, anywhere. It's the one that has always helped me work my feelings out, sort myself out, express myself and show people what I'm feeling at any given time. And now, what do I do?
I think I've found an answer. One of my other big hobbies is photography. I'm actually kind of the family photographer. I use my digital camera to do my family's photo every year, and my son's school photos. I seem to have a knack for catching people in natural poses and coming out with an awesome photo. I enjoy taking pictures of nature, too, and just any little thing that grabs my curiousity at a given time. So...I think I shall start carrying my camera with me everywhere, and see what develops. Sorry...bad joke. Seriously, though, I've given this quite a bit of thought recently, and I'm thinking this may be a sign telling me to embrace this hobby a bit more fully than I have in the past. I've generally just used it to capture my children, to make concrete memories that will never fade. I've only sometimes used it to capture nature, and other things. I feel that maybe this is a knock on the door from opportunity, telling me to use this lack of inspiration to create other art. I've always been a creative person, and desperately need that creative outlet. Photography may be the way to keep that outlet open.
On a different note, have you ever suddenly seen someone you thought you knew pretty well in a completely different way, and it made you feel...I don't know, just very differently about them? I recently had that experience. Someone I'd known for a while now, nice guy. Someone I'd always thought was a pretty decent kind of guy. He was former military, which almost always means good guy. He was the kind of guy you can see yourself dating, but you hold off on because you don't want to lose the friendship. He knows of my woes with my ex-husband, and has often told me what he thinks of my ex. He often expounds on his theories of men who don't care for their children, take responsibility for their families, etc. He has a child himself, has shown me the pics. Cute little girl, too.
So he tells me he's finally gotten around to creating a MySpace page. He wants me to check it out and give him some feedback. So, I go, I check out, and not bad. then I get to the bottom where you do a little fill-in-the-blank on your basic stats. Under children, he puts "Someday". Huh? He's got this little girl, she's, I don't know, 3 or 4, around my son's age, and he doesn't acknowledge her in his MySpace profile? The same guy who tells me what an ass my ex-husband is for not taking care of my kids(which he is, but...) is now not acknowledging his child? I, with my big mouth and my inability to shut it sometimes, ask him what's up here. He says he doesn't want to chase women away. Hmmm...yes, I run screaming into the night when I find a nice guy who takes care of his responsibilities and is proud of that. I always avoid the men who take care of their kids, because God knows no one wants a man who's being decent.
This has been an enlightening experience for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. But I try really damn hard not to be a hypocrite, and finding out that my friend is one is...difficult. It has me wondering if I can continue this friendship. It's not exactly a betrayal to me, but it is...something. It's a side of him that I never thought I'd see, and definitely not one I wanted to see. I just feel that it's not something that I can just overlook. And the saddest part is that it has me wondering just how many of my other friends are just as hypocritical, lying about who and what they are to others, just to make a different impression. Notice I said different, not better.
I'm just completely disgusted with the world tonight.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Happy Birthday To Me!
Today's my birthday!! I am....29. Wow. That's a big number, isn't it? I still remember 21...hell, 18...and I feel 16 most days. Still, I don't really feel...older. It's just kinda...ok, I'm 29 now. But then there are moments when it will hit me....kind of a holy sh*t, I'm 29!
How is it, though, that turning a year older myself doesn't make me feel older, but my child turning 7 next month does? Isn't it strange how other people can affect us more than we ourselves do? My turning 29 almost just feels like just another day, but when I think of planning my son's birthday party next month, I sit back and feel like years and years have passed. Which, I guess, 7 years is quite a few...and yet, in some ways, not so much. It's odd, the way time seems fluid and passes slowly or quickly based solely on our perceptions of specific conditions and circumstances. It reminds me very much of how slowly time passed during the most hated classes in school and yet flew by during lunch, but in a larger sense. No longer the passage of minutes or hours, but huge chunks of time, weeks, months, years that pass by and you look back and wonder where it all went.
It's 2008 now. And it is funny, because I remember how panicked everyone was over the year 2000, all the horrible things that were supposed to befall us, and yet here we are, all still healthy and happy, and using the items that were supposed to destroy us with the simple stroke of midnight. That was the year that I met my former husband...hmmm, it would seem that was the year that almost destroyed me, I guess. I met him, I got pregnant, and my life changed forever. Not for better or for worse, but for better AND for worse. The better being my 2 awesome children who've made my life more meaningful, more important, more worthwhile. The worse being the hell I went through in order to have them. But, would I go through the worse all over again? As long as the outcome was the same, and I got my two babies, ABSOLUTELY. No doubt. Life can be hell, but the rewards for making it through are incredible.
So...I sit here tonight, divorced, single mom to 2, and 29 years old. One year shy of 30. An age that once upon a time seemed absolutely ancient to me, that seemed a lifetime away, and now it's upon me. And it definitely does not feel as old as it once seemed to be.
It was a wonderful birthday. My mother cooked dinner for me, had a cake for me. My wonderful babies sang "Happy Birthday" to me first thing, and then they all sang to me later. My grandmother called, which was wonderful. I haven't talked to her in a long time, and it was so good to hear her voice, to tell her that I love her. My boys picked some beautiful flowers, camelias, for me, from Grandma's flowerbushes. Had to stop them before they picked them all, but still...a very sweet wonderful gift.
Since I last posted, my oldest son finally got the training wheels off his bike (they were stuck on, and we had to wait for Grandpa to get the tools and time to come take them off), and has learned to ride on his own! He's ridden (while I walked behind) to his grandparents house twice now. He loves it! And I'm so proud of him!! My youngest is still riding a tricycle, although next year, I may bump him to a two wheeler with training wheels. They both love riding their bikes though, or just being outside period. They are so active, so energetic. At times, it's frustrating, like at bedtime or dinner time or just when I want to sit down and relax for a couple of minutes, but at the same time, it's a wonderful thing to see, because I know they will never be overweight, they will never lack for things to do. They both have such vivid imaginations, too, which is another thing sthat I am so grateful for. I'm a big believer in imagination, that if you have imagination, it can take you anywhere, you can do anything, be anything, achieve anything.
Enough reflecting for this year. I'm off to take this 29 year old soul to bed.
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday, dear me!
Happy birthday to me!
Had to have it one more time. :)
How is it, though, that turning a year older myself doesn't make me feel older, but my child turning 7 next month does? Isn't it strange how other people can affect us more than we ourselves do? My turning 29 almost just feels like just another day, but when I think of planning my son's birthday party next month, I sit back and feel like years and years have passed. Which, I guess, 7 years is quite a few...and yet, in some ways, not so much. It's odd, the way time seems fluid and passes slowly or quickly based solely on our perceptions of specific conditions and circumstances. It reminds me very much of how slowly time passed during the most hated classes in school and yet flew by during lunch, but in a larger sense. No longer the passage of minutes or hours, but huge chunks of time, weeks, months, years that pass by and you look back and wonder where it all went.
It's 2008 now. And it is funny, because I remember how panicked everyone was over the year 2000, all the horrible things that were supposed to befall us, and yet here we are, all still healthy and happy, and using the items that were supposed to destroy us with the simple stroke of midnight. That was the year that I met my former husband...hmmm, it would seem that was the year that almost destroyed me, I guess. I met him, I got pregnant, and my life changed forever. Not for better or for worse, but for better AND for worse. The better being my 2 awesome children who've made my life more meaningful, more important, more worthwhile. The worse being the hell I went through in order to have them. But, would I go through the worse all over again? As long as the outcome was the same, and I got my two babies, ABSOLUTELY. No doubt. Life can be hell, but the rewards for making it through are incredible.
So...I sit here tonight, divorced, single mom to 2, and 29 years old. One year shy of 30. An age that once upon a time seemed absolutely ancient to me, that seemed a lifetime away, and now it's upon me. And it definitely does not feel as old as it once seemed to be.
It was a wonderful birthday. My mother cooked dinner for me, had a cake for me. My wonderful babies sang "Happy Birthday" to me first thing, and then they all sang to me later. My grandmother called, which was wonderful. I haven't talked to her in a long time, and it was so good to hear her voice, to tell her that I love her. My boys picked some beautiful flowers, camelias, for me, from Grandma's flowerbushes. Had to stop them before they picked them all, but still...a very sweet wonderful gift.
Since I last posted, my oldest son finally got the training wheels off his bike (they were stuck on, and we had to wait for Grandpa to get the tools and time to come take them off), and has learned to ride on his own! He's ridden (while I walked behind) to his grandparents house twice now. He loves it! And I'm so proud of him!! My youngest is still riding a tricycle, although next year, I may bump him to a two wheeler with training wheels. They both love riding their bikes though, or just being outside period. They are so active, so energetic. At times, it's frustrating, like at bedtime or dinner time or just when I want to sit down and relax for a couple of minutes, but at the same time, it's a wonderful thing to see, because I know they will never be overweight, they will never lack for things to do. They both have such vivid imaginations, too, which is another thing sthat I am so grateful for. I'm a big believer in imagination, that if you have imagination, it can take you anywhere, you can do anything, be anything, achieve anything.
Enough reflecting for this year. I'm off to take this 29 year old soul to bed.
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday, dear me!
Happy birthday to me!
Had to have it one more time. :)
Monday, December 31, 2007
Last Entry for 2007
Well, this has been quite a year for me. I've moved into my brand new home, found new interests and rekindled old ones, made new friends and found old ones again. I've taken the ex to court twice, albeit without much effect, and I've managed to make it on my own even without the child support. I've sent my oldest child off to first grade, and mostly come to terms with the fact that my great-grandmother, at the age of 97, has breast cancer as well as dementia.
I hope that next year will be a better year. I hate my job; so I'm hoping to find a better one. I need the child support payments; so I'm hoping my ex will wise up and start paying. I plan to finish the book I'm writing by summer, and I hope to find a publisher that will like it and want to publish it. I'm also planning to finally lose the extra weight that I've been wanting to lose. I never work out b/c I don't have time; so this year, I'm going to make time. I'm going to make a point of putting myself first sometimes. I always put my kids, my job, the house, everything and everyone else first. While I'm not going to be selfish, I'm going to make at least one night a week just for me. To put the kids to bed a little early, take a bubble bath, give myself a manicure, pedicure, etc., and pamper myself. By making myself feel better, I'll be able to give more to my kids, job, and everything else. I'm going to start wearing make-up regularly again. I'm going to do my meditating more regularly; I've got too much stress and I don't meditate nearly enough to really relieve it.
It's been a good year, but it's also been a rough year. Here's hoping the worst is behind me, and that things will only get better.
To anyone who's reading this, Happy New Year!!
I hope that next year will be a better year. I hate my job; so I'm hoping to find a better one. I need the child support payments; so I'm hoping my ex will wise up and start paying. I plan to finish the book I'm writing by summer, and I hope to find a publisher that will like it and want to publish it. I'm also planning to finally lose the extra weight that I've been wanting to lose. I never work out b/c I don't have time; so this year, I'm going to make time. I'm going to make a point of putting myself first sometimes. I always put my kids, my job, the house, everything and everyone else first. While I'm not going to be selfish, I'm going to make at least one night a week just for me. To put the kids to bed a little early, take a bubble bath, give myself a manicure, pedicure, etc., and pamper myself. By making myself feel better, I'll be able to give more to my kids, job, and everything else. I'm going to start wearing make-up regularly again. I'm going to do my meditating more regularly; I've got too much stress and I don't meditate nearly enough to really relieve it.
It's been a good year, but it's also been a rough year. Here's hoping the worst is behind me, and that things will only get better.
To anyone who's reading this, Happy New Year!!
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