"Hey, Mom, I'm a BUG!"
"What?"
"I'm a BUG."
This conversation would have made much more sense if I'd remembered the letter I read last week about the new program the school is implementing, called BUG, or Bringing Up Grades. It's a reward based program that encourages kids to improve their grades and keep them up.
I forgot this letter, though, and also forgot that report cards were coming home today.
C reminded me, though, and then the conversation made much more sense (which was good, because I couldn't figure out if he wanted to be a cockroach or a beetle, either of which I find creepy.)
So, J brought home the usual: E's & S's. The don't do the A-B-C-D-F thing in Kindergarten. I am, of course, proud of him, as always. Naturally, he's too young to realize that by setting the bar so high right now, he's really screwing himself in the later years. And of course, I'm a just mean enough Mommy that I'm not going to let him in on that little secret.
C's report card just blew me away. He brought his math grade up. I may or may not have mentioned before that C really struggles with math. I think it's inherited. I can't even add 2 + 2 without getting a calculator and having someone double check my work (ok, I'm not that bad, but I'm not much better). He really wrestles with his math and gets very frustrated. So, I was very proud to see that he brought his grade from a D to a C. This may not seem like that big a deal, but any parent who has a child that struggles with a subject knows that this is a huge accomplishment. He has really had to work hard for that one letter improvement, and it is definitely an achievement to be proud of. The funny thing is that he is actually embarassed. He gets this shy little grin and can't look at you if you tell him you're proud of him.
Aside from his math improvement, he also brought his social studies grade from a C to an A, which is another outstanding accomplishment. His science grade went from a B to an A, and his reading grade from a C to a B. Language Arts was the only one that stayed a C.
I am so proud of both of my boys right now. I could not be more thrilled with them at this moment.
Now...if I could just get them to stop with the snarky attitudes....
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
A Rock and A Hard Place
I was given a very vivid reminder of my past this morning, by a friend of mine. Before this morning, I wouldn't have really called her a good friend, since most of our conversations had been somewhat superficial, except for one time when her husband's grandfather shot a cop, but that's a story for another time. Let's just say, Grandpa's nuts and still in jail, and I believe everyone is better off for it.
This morning, though, she followed me to the gas station after we'd dropped the kids off at school to talk to me about signing J up for T-ball, since it's free for first timers this year. I'd have to pay for C to sign up for baseball, and I don't really think I can afford it right now, so I probably won't do it. But we'll see.
But as we stood there talking, she began telling me things about her marriage and her husband that shocked me. She'd always given me the impression that her marriage was pretty good, or at least average.
First, she shocked me by mentioning they hadn't had sex in about 2 years, and that it was his choice, not hers. Lots of couples go through dry spells, though, so that, while it was shocking that it was his doing, I didn't really think much of it. Just kind of felt bad for her that she's not getting any. Then she added that he shows her no affection whatsoever. No hand holding, no hugs, kisses, nothing.
That I didn't understand. I could go the rest of my life never having sex again, it's not a huge deal, but if D didn't hold my hand, kiss me, hold me while we're sitting on the couch watching a movie, I couldn't handle that. All those little things show me that he loves me, and they mean much more to me than the words. I love to hear him tell me, absolutely, but it's the little touches, the quick kisses, the squeezes when he hugs me tight that really tell me he loves me. She doesn't even get the words, apparently.
Then, she starts telling me about all these fights they've had lately. And that's when I started thinking about Sperm Donor. She started describing shouting matches at 4am over a simple statement. Normal conversations turning into screamfests. Walking on eggshells to avoid saying something that will piss him off and start a fight. Deciding to make this instead of that for dinner because she knows he won't eat it and will instead throw it away, slam dishes and silverware around as he makes something else and then bitch about how she sits around all day and can't even make a good dinner for him when he gets home from busting his ass all day.
As if all that wasn't bad enough, then she tells me about how she and her sister were signing up the kids for T-ball, and her son was hitting her (playfully). Her sister told him to stop, that hitting Momma wasn't nice. Sister threatened to tell Grandma, and the little boy just laughed. When Sister threatened to tell Daddy, the little boy started bawling and begging her to please not tell Daddy. My friend then mentions that he's terrified of Daddy.
That would have been my boys if I hadn't left Sperm Donor. I'd be her (only the lack of sex would have been my choice), and my boys would be terrified of their father.
When I made a casual comment (to test the waters) about how it sounds like she'd be better off without him, she said it's not better for her son, and then threw in that she has nowhere to go. No family she can stay with, or that would help her anyway. Her husband has told her if she wants to leave, leave. He doesn't care.
I disagree with her that it's not better for her son for her to leave. I think the situation as it is is very unhealthy for this very sweet little boy. For the same reasons that I left Sperm Donor: it gives him the wrong idea of how a man should treat a woman, what a healthy relationship should look like, and frankly, I believe it's only a matter of time before he escalates to something more than just hurtful words and lack of affection. She also mentioned how he yells at her son (that he adopted, by the way) for the slightest little thing, and never shows him any affection. Apparently, her son used to try to hug him, but after getting a quick tap on the arm and a "that's enough" enough times, her son has given up.
She knows some of my history with Sperm Donor. I can't remember exactly how much I told her, because as I said, a lot of our previous conversations were pretty superficial, and I don't give a lot of details to just anyone.
My problem here is what do I do? I want to get her the names of some shelters that will help her leave, get a job, get a place, get back on her feet, if she so chooses. But I know, from having been there myself, that she won't leave until/unless she's ready.
I also know that she could very easily get offended and upset with me. I don't want to lose her as a friend, I don't want my kids to lose her son as a friend. If nothing else, I at least want to know that I will see her and her son frequently so that if I something changes, she might talk to me, and I can push her harder or, if necessary, call the cops myself to try to protect her and her son.
So I'm stuck. I feel like I need to help her, but can't. I feel like I need to say something, but I don't know what. I feel like I should maybe tell her everything I went through, hoping she'll see the similarity and realize on her own what's going on. But I feel that doing that is likely to put her on the defensive and make her more determined to believe that everything will be fine.
She already knows that she can talk to me any time she needs to, and that I will help her out in any way that I can. I'm hoping that that'll be enough. But I'm really afraid for her now. She has no phone, not even a cell, so she has no way to call anyone for help should something change. Her only real opportunity to seek help is when she takes her son to school. She used to talk to other moms at the school besides me, but from what I can tell, it's only me now. I don't know if that's a choice she made (maybe she senses I'm more willing to listen and help than the others?) or if he's trying to isolate her (the other moms live closer to her than I do).
I never thought that any real good would come from my failed marriage, except my kids. Yes, I learned a few things about relationships and what I do and don't want from them. But that only benefits me, really. Or so I thought. If I can just figure out how to approach her, maybe more good will come from it than I thought.
This morning, though, she followed me to the gas station after we'd dropped the kids off at school to talk to me about signing J up for T-ball, since it's free for first timers this year. I'd have to pay for C to sign up for baseball, and I don't really think I can afford it right now, so I probably won't do it. But we'll see.
But as we stood there talking, she began telling me things about her marriage and her husband that shocked me. She'd always given me the impression that her marriage was pretty good, or at least average.
First, she shocked me by mentioning they hadn't had sex in about 2 years, and that it was his choice, not hers. Lots of couples go through dry spells, though, so that, while it was shocking that it was his doing, I didn't really think much of it. Just kind of felt bad for her that she's not getting any. Then she added that he shows her no affection whatsoever. No hand holding, no hugs, kisses, nothing.
That I didn't understand. I could go the rest of my life never having sex again, it's not a huge deal, but if D didn't hold my hand, kiss me, hold me while we're sitting on the couch watching a movie, I couldn't handle that. All those little things show me that he loves me, and they mean much more to me than the words. I love to hear him tell me, absolutely, but it's the little touches, the quick kisses, the squeezes when he hugs me tight that really tell me he loves me. She doesn't even get the words, apparently.
Then, she starts telling me about all these fights they've had lately. And that's when I started thinking about Sperm Donor. She started describing shouting matches at 4am over a simple statement. Normal conversations turning into screamfests. Walking on eggshells to avoid saying something that will piss him off and start a fight. Deciding to make this instead of that for dinner because she knows he won't eat it and will instead throw it away, slam dishes and silverware around as he makes something else and then bitch about how she sits around all day and can't even make a good dinner for him when he gets home from busting his ass all day.
As if all that wasn't bad enough, then she tells me about how she and her sister were signing up the kids for T-ball, and her son was hitting her (playfully). Her sister told him to stop, that hitting Momma wasn't nice. Sister threatened to tell Grandma, and the little boy just laughed. When Sister threatened to tell Daddy, the little boy started bawling and begging her to please not tell Daddy. My friend then mentions that he's terrified of Daddy.
That would have been my boys if I hadn't left Sperm Donor. I'd be her (only the lack of sex would have been my choice), and my boys would be terrified of their father.
When I made a casual comment (to test the waters) about how it sounds like she'd be better off without him, she said it's not better for her son, and then threw in that she has nowhere to go. No family she can stay with, or that would help her anyway. Her husband has told her if she wants to leave, leave. He doesn't care.
I disagree with her that it's not better for her son for her to leave. I think the situation as it is is very unhealthy for this very sweet little boy. For the same reasons that I left Sperm Donor: it gives him the wrong idea of how a man should treat a woman, what a healthy relationship should look like, and frankly, I believe it's only a matter of time before he escalates to something more than just hurtful words and lack of affection. She also mentioned how he yells at her son (that he adopted, by the way) for the slightest little thing, and never shows him any affection. Apparently, her son used to try to hug him, but after getting a quick tap on the arm and a "that's enough" enough times, her son has given up.
She knows some of my history with Sperm Donor. I can't remember exactly how much I told her, because as I said, a lot of our previous conversations were pretty superficial, and I don't give a lot of details to just anyone.
My problem here is what do I do? I want to get her the names of some shelters that will help her leave, get a job, get a place, get back on her feet, if she so chooses. But I know, from having been there myself, that she won't leave until/unless she's ready.
I also know that she could very easily get offended and upset with me. I don't want to lose her as a friend, I don't want my kids to lose her son as a friend. If nothing else, I at least want to know that I will see her and her son frequently so that if I something changes, she might talk to me, and I can push her harder or, if necessary, call the cops myself to try to protect her and her son.
So I'm stuck. I feel like I need to help her, but can't. I feel like I need to say something, but I don't know what. I feel like I should maybe tell her everything I went through, hoping she'll see the similarity and realize on her own what's going on. But I feel that doing that is likely to put her on the defensive and make her more determined to believe that everything will be fine.
She already knows that she can talk to me any time she needs to, and that I will help her out in any way that I can. I'm hoping that that'll be enough. But I'm really afraid for her now. She has no phone, not even a cell, so she has no way to call anyone for help should something change. Her only real opportunity to seek help is when she takes her son to school. She used to talk to other moms at the school besides me, but from what I can tell, it's only me now. I don't know if that's a choice she made (maybe she senses I'm more willing to listen and help than the others?) or if he's trying to isolate her (the other moms live closer to her than I do).
I never thought that any real good would come from my failed marriage, except my kids. Yes, I learned a few things about relationships and what I do and don't want from them. But that only benefits me, really. Or so I thought. If I can just figure out how to approach her, maybe more good will come from it than I thought.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Am I the only one?
I belong to a website for moms. It used to be a really helpful, compassionate website where a mom, new or not, could go and ask a question and get useful answers. Criticism was constructive and intended to help, not to completely tear you down and make you feel worthless.
That site has started to devolve into...well, it's devolved. We'll just put it that way.
Often, women would have questions about their relationships. As one mom on there said, "I want to find out if what my husband and I are going through is normal, but I don't want my mom, or his mom, or my best friend, to know that we're dealing with it." The site used to be a way you could compare your relationship to others and find out that yes, this stage in a relationship is perfectly normal, everyone goes through it, and we're going to be fine.
The questions eventually just got...well, pathetic. Women wanting other women to tell them if they should stay or leave after their husband/significant other/boyfriend (whatever title they want to give him...some of them change it weekly, it seems) has cheated, hit them, hit their child, stolen something, kept a secret, lost money gambling/doing drugs/on a hooker (hey, I've seen it on there!), or because his mother drives her nuts with her advice, sarcasm, criticism, or need to take over everything. Some of the reasons they want to leave are just silly, and others I just don't understand how they don't already KNOW they should leave. (example: "My husband has cheated on me 16 times, twice with my sister, 3 times with my best friend, and I caught him having a threesome with my mom and my grandma. Should I leave?" And NO, I am not making that up! I might have the numbers a little off, but it was a real question.)
Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's because I've been in a bad marriage and gotten out of it, and learned a few things from it. The first of those things being what I won't tolerate from a man. I love D to death, and I have absolutely no intention of ever ending our relationship, but there are some things that if he ever did them, I'd be getting rid of him without thinking twice. If he ever laid a hand on me, if he ever hurt my child (beyond a simple spanking or hurt feelings because they're in trouble), if he started doing drugs, drinking too much, if we were living together or married and he was taking money needed to support our home and our family to spend on drugs, gambling, or whatever, those are all things I'd get rid of him for. Cheating...I've always said that after Sperm Donor, I'd leave the first time. Honestly, though, I love D, and I think he loves me enough that if he DID cheat, he'd probably feel incredibly guilty and not do it again. So....I think if he cheated, I'd probably give him one more chance, but with a very clear "you better not hide a damn thing from me ever again" policy. In fact, if he cheated, he'd probably choose to leave me because I'd be so demanding of what he'd have to do to prove to me I could trust him again.
But what really confuses me is that so many of these women are in these relationships, and if you go by their questions, they are just absolutely miserable. And when you read the questions, or look at their profile, the stuff they are so upset about is stuff that he has always done (or not done). Why would you marry someone, or have kids with him, if you already knew he was like this? If I'd known before I married him that Sperm Donor was a lying, cheating piece of crap who was going to do everything he could to ruin my self esteem and ignore my kids...yeah, I wouldn't have touched him with a 50 foot pole. And what's even worse, is that the stuff they get upset over is often silly stuff. No, cheating is not silly. Losing money gambling or on drugs or whatever is not silly. But asking if you should leave him because he didn't take the garbage out the last two times you asked him to (Are your hands broken? Take it out yourself)? Or because he's always on the computer (so why don't you read a book, or watch TV? Does he really have to be your entertainment every minute of the day? He'll get off the computer in a little while and then you'll spend time together. If he's truly addicted and ALWAYS on it, that's one thing, but an hour a day? Not a big deal), or he smokes (make him go outside to smoke)? These are not relationship ending issues, in my opinion anyway.
That's the other thing I learned from my bad marriage. As annoying as certain habits may be, they are not something worth ending the relationship. If I really wanted to, I'm sure I could sit here and think of reasons to end my relationship. They'd all be petty, nitpicky things, but I could sit here and list things that *could* drive me nuts about him. And I'm pretty sure that he could do the same thing about me. He's not perfect, and neither am I. But I love him, and I'd rather focus on the things that I do love about him, than concentrate on the things I don't love so much. I'd rather be happy with him. And I love him so much I even try to turn the less than wonderful things into positive. So, he snores...at least if I hear him snoring, well (a) he's there with me (always a plus), and (b) at least I know he's still alive.
And when I tried to tell one woman that when she complained that she was thinking of leaving her husband because on the two nights a week (he works nights) he's home, she doesn't sleep well thanks to his snoring, she told me I needed to "take off my rose colored glasses" and that my relationship would never last.
I disagree with her. I think that when you focus on the bad, that's when your relationship won't last. How can it, if you're always thinking negatively about the other person, and therefore making yourself unhappy? I think by ignoring the things that aren't quite so endearing and thinking of the things that are, it sets us up with a better chance of making it work. And besides, I really don't think that his cigarette and red bull breakfast habit is worth living my life without him. I won't deny that if he wanted to give them up, I'd be thrilled, but it's just not a relationship ender for me.
I just don't understand why people can't appreciate the good in their relationships, in their spouses/significant others. Why do we always have to look at the negative stuff? Why can't we just ignore that, and focus on what's good about them, and good about the relationship?
I think I'm going to leave that website, because it's just gotten to be too depressing lately. Every now and then, I come across a good question, or at least one I can answer that makes me feel good about answering it, but the bad is beginning to far outweigh the good.
Ok...now that that's out of my system. :)
Last night, C & J were running around outside while my parents and I sat around talking. Peter Pan has been kennelled for...probably close to a year now, due to his inability to stop tearing things up. We let him out to run around when someone is out there to supervise him, but otherwise he's in the kennel. He likes to try to dig his way out. We improvised some chainlink fencing on the bottom of the kennel to stop that. So, now, he likes to try to chew his way out. Last night, C came tearing around the corner from the kennel area.
"Grandpa, Peter Pan is chewing on the kennel again!"
"Fine."
"No, Grandpa, really!"
"Fine. I'll go check on it in a minute."
"No, Grandpa, he's doing some really impressive work!"
Impressive work? My mother and I couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes. At least now I know that regardless of what else he does or doesn't learn in school, at least he's getting a pretty good vocabulary...and the ability to use it correctly.
That site has started to devolve into...well, it's devolved. We'll just put it that way.
Often, women would have questions about their relationships. As one mom on there said, "I want to find out if what my husband and I are going through is normal, but I don't want my mom, or his mom, or my best friend, to know that we're dealing with it." The site used to be a way you could compare your relationship to others and find out that yes, this stage in a relationship is perfectly normal, everyone goes through it, and we're going to be fine.
The questions eventually just got...well, pathetic. Women wanting other women to tell them if they should stay or leave after their husband/significant other/boyfriend (whatever title they want to give him...some of them change it weekly, it seems) has cheated, hit them, hit their child, stolen something, kept a secret, lost money gambling/doing drugs/on a hooker (hey, I've seen it on there!), or because his mother drives her nuts with her advice, sarcasm, criticism, or need to take over everything. Some of the reasons they want to leave are just silly, and others I just don't understand how they don't already KNOW they should leave. (example: "My husband has cheated on me 16 times, twice with my sister, 3 times with my best friend, and I caught him having a threesome with my mom and my grandma. Should I leave?" And NO, I am not making that up! I might have the numbers a little off, but it was a real question.)
Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's because I've been in a bad marriage and gotten out of it, and learned a few things from it. The first of those things being what I won't tolerate from a man. I love D to death, and I have absolutely no intention of ever ending our relationship, but there are some things that if he ever did them, I'd be getting rid of him without thinking twice. If he ever laid a hand on me, if he ever hurt my child (beyond a simple spanking or hurt feelings because they're in trouble), if he started doing drugs, drinking too much, if we were living together or married and he was taking money needed to support our home and our family to spend on drugs, gambling, or whatever, those are all things I'd get rid of him for. Cheating...I've always said that after Sperm Donor, I'd leave the first time. Honestly, though, I love D, and I think he loves me enough that if he DID cheat, he'd probably feel incredibly guilty and not do it again. So....I think if he cheated, I'd probably give him one more chance, but with a very clear "you better not hide a damn thing from me ever again" policy. In fact, if he cheated, he'd probably choose to leave me because I'd be so demanding of what he'd have to do to prove to me I could trust him again.
But what really confuses me is that so many of these women are in these relationships, and if you go by their questions, they are just absolutely miserable. And when you read the questions, or look at their profile, the stuff they are so upset about is stuff that he has always done (or not done). Why would you marry someone, or have kids with him, if you already knew he was like this? If I'd known before I married him that Sperm Donor was a lying, cheating piece of crap who was going to do everything he could to ruin my self esteem and ignore my kids...yeah, I wouldn't have touched him with a 50 foot pole. And what's even worse, is that the stuff they get upset over is often silly stuff. No, cheating is not silly. Losing money gambling or on drugs or whatever is not silly. But asking if you should leave him because he didn't take the garbage out the last two times you asked him to (Are your hands broken? Take it out yourself)? Or because he's always on the computer (so why don't you read a book, or watch TV? Does he really have to be your entertainment every minute of the day? He'll get off the computer in a little while and then you'll spend time together. If he's truly addicted and ALWAYS on it, that's one thing, but an hour a day? Not a big deal), or he smokes (make him go outside to smoke)? These are not relationship ending issues, in my opinion anyway.
That's the other thing I learned from my bad marriage. As annoying as certain habits may be, they are not something worth ending the relationship. If I really wanted to, I'm sure I could sit here and think of reasons to end my relationship. They'd all be petty, nitpicky things, but I could sit here and list things that *could* drive me nuts about him. And I'm pretty sure that he could do the same thing about me. He's not perfect, and neither am I. But I love him, and I'd rather focus on the things that I do love about him, than concentrate on the things I don't love so much. I'd rather be happy with him. And I love him so much I even try to turn the less than wonderful things into positive. So, he snores...at least if I hear him snoring, well (a) he's there with me (always a plus), and (b) at least I know he's still alive.
And when I tried to tell one woman that when she complained that she was thinking of leaving her husband because on the two nights a week (he works nights) he's home, she doesn't sleep well thanks to his snoring, she told me I needed to "take off my rose colored glasses" and that my relationship would never last.
I disagree with her. I think that when you focus on the bad, that's when your relationship won't last. How can it, if you're always thinking negatively about the other person, and therefore making yourself unhappy? I think by ignoring the things that aren't quite so endearing and thinking of the things that are, it sets us up with a better chance of making it work. And besides, I really don't think that his cigarette and red bull breakfast habit is worth living my life without him. I won't deny that if he wanted to give them up, I'd be thrilled, but it's just not a relationship ender for me.
I just don't understand why people can't appreciate the good in their relationships, in their spouses/significant others. Why do we always have to look at the negative stuff? Why can't we just ignore that, and focus on what's good about them, and good about the relationship?
I think I'm going to leave that website, because it's just gotten to be too depressing lately. Every now and then, I come across a good question, or at least one I can answer that makes me feel good about answering it, but the bad is beginning to far outweigh the good.
Ok...now that that's out of my system. :)
Last night, C & J were running around outside while my parents and I sat around talking. Peter Pan has been kennelled for...probably close to a year now, due to his inability to stop tearing things up. We let him out to run around when someone is out there to supervise him, but otherwise he's in the kennel. He likes to try to dig his way out. We improvised some chainlink fencing on the bottom of the kennel to stop that. So, now, he likes to try to chew his way out. Last night, C came tearing around the corner from the kennel area.
"Grandpa, Peter Pan is chewing on the kennel again!"
"Fine."
"No, Grandpa, really!"
"Fine. I'll go check on it in a minute."
"No, Grandpa, he's doing some really impressive work!"
Impressive work? My mother and I couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes. At least now I know that regardless of what else he does or doesn't learn in school, at least he's getting a pretty good vocabulary...and the ability to use it correctly.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Why can't you appreciate what you have?
I spend a lot of time (probably way too much...D complained one night about me being on there) on cafemom, a website for moms that *used to be* a very useful, compassionate site for moms. You could ask almost any question, about your kids, your marriage/relationship, anything at all, and get helpful, nice answers.
It's devolved into something...really not so nice anymore. Not only are the answers not so helpful, but the questions themselves have become nothing more than jokes - and not funny jokes, either. Women asking questions like "I had sex 5 times last week...could I be pregnant?" Or the one I don't think I'll ever forget is the woman who wanted to know if she should give in to her boyfriend's desire to have a threesome with a blow up doll. I mean, really? These are the kinds of things we, as mothers, are thinking about?
Earlier this week, there were two questions that got to me.
One was a woman whose ex-husband had gone to court and gotten 50/50 custody of her children, and she was terrified of what may happen while her kids were in his care. This is a fear I can easily identify with, as I often have these thoughts myself. This question actually caused two nightmares for me that night. One in which Sperm Donor married someone rather wealthy, hired a lawyer, and managed to get custody of C & J. This one was the most terrifying of the nightmares I had that night, or really, ever. The other one was that D & I had gotten married, and we were trying to convince Sperm Donor to give up his rights so that D could adopt C & J. Not only did Sperm Donor refuse, but he actually took us to court to be able to use his visitation rights again. This one almost scares me more than the other one. At least the full custody one is pretty much outside the realm of possibility. With his criminal history, the lack of visitation and the failure to pay child support, it's highly unlikely he'd get custody, even with a good lawyer, and even less likely that he'd ever actually do it. The other one, though...that could happen. He's just spiteful enough that if D & I got married and asked him to give up his rights, he'd refuse and start up the visits again just because he'd know it would upset me, and he'd hope to cause problems between D & I.
The other question was a woman who found out her husband had an online dating profile, in which he stated he was married but was looking to screw around on the side, and she wanted to know if we thought he would really cheat or if he was just "testing the waters". This question prompted a dream in which D was doing this. I know he never would, but after the other two dreams, it still bothered me. When I told D about the dream, he offered to hand over a password to show me I had nothing to worry about. It wasn't necessary for him to do that, because I already knew I had nothing to worry about. As insecure as I may get sometimes, I know he wouldn't do that to me.
But all this got me thinking. Lately, whenever I log in to cafemom, it seems like about 99% of the questions are trashing husbands or significant others in one way or another. It varies between cheating, hiding things, money issues, not helping out enough around the house, not being home enough, and in law issues for the most part.
Maybe it's just because I had such a horrible marriage that I can appreciate D a little better. But I find it kind of...ridiculous that these women married these guys, or at least decided to live with them and have kids with them, and now they want to complain about every little nitpicky thing. Half the time, they aren't complaining about something that is really worth ending the relationship over, and yet that's always how they end their question - "Should I leave him?"
I get that sometimes we all need to vent to someone, and I get that sometimes even the people we love more than anyone else in the world get on our nerves. I often threaten to duct tape the kids to the bed because they drive me nuts. D doesn't really get a chance to drive me nuts because he's gone so much. Kind of hard to drive someone nuts when you're a thousand miles or more away.
But I see the same women complaining day after day about the same stuff. I mean, I can literally go on today, find 3 women and their questions, and trust me, I can find those same 3 women and those same questions tomorrow, and Sunday, too. Maybe even Monday.
Why can't they just accept that this is the guy they married and he's not going to change? If I wanted to, I bet I could find something, maybe even a few somethings, about D to complain about. But I'd rather just accept him as he is. I have a lot more fun with him that way. And rather than complain about the fact that his job keeps him away most of the time, or that he smokes, I'd rather brag about how he really loves me, and how good he is with my kids, or how well he gets along with my parents.
D isn't perfect. Neither am I. I'm sure that just like I could find something about him to complain about, he could find something about me to complain about. But that doesn't help you have a good relationship. When you start just looking at the negatives, and complaining all the time, then you're going to be unhappy.
But you can't tell these women that. If you do, they get all offended and upset, and tell you that you don't get it. Uh...yeah, I do get it. I get that I am in a great relationship that makes me very happy because I love him and I choose to focus on the things that I love about him and make the best of those things that I wish could be different. His job's not going to change, so I focus on the fact that at least if he's not home, we can't fight. He's not going to quit smoking until he's ready, so I focus on the fact that at least it's just cigarettes and he's not doing drugs or getting totally plastered every night. I focus on the fact that he's not going to cheat on me, that he won't lie to me, that he'll be there for me whenever I need him, even if he is a thousand or more miles away.
Since I can't give these answers in the groups, here's what I really want to tell these women:
cheating - if he's cheating on you, either forgive him and move or leave him. If you don't think you can forgive, leave. If it's the 2nd, 3rd, or more time he's done it, then yes, he's going to keep doing it, and no, he's not going to ever feel bad about how much he's hurting you. He really doesn't care.
hiding things - If he's hiding things, he's lying. It's that simple. Unless what he's hiding is your Christmas or birthday present, it's not something you really want to know about. Yes, I think you should ask him, but be sure you want to hear the answer first, because I really don't want to come back here later today to see your new question is, "this is what he's hiding from me, I wish I hadn't asked, how can I make this better?"
money issues - If you two don't have enough money, then figure out a solution. We can't help you with that. If you're not working, try to find a job. If he's not working, he should try to find a job. If he's too lazy to find a job, then why are you with him? And if it's child support....get over it. You knew about his kids before you married him, you knew he'd have to pay child support. Suck it up and get on with your life. Your kids are not suffering because of his other kids, they're suffering because either you or he is refusing to find a way to make sure all the kids are taken care of.
not helping out enough around the house - Men have never helped out enough around the house. Why do we expect that to change? If you're really that desperate, then make him a freaking chore chart.
not being home enough - I really hate these, because it's always that he stops off at the bar or something for an hour after work. I don't get to see D for 3 weeks at a time, and then when I do see him, it's only 3 days, and only part of those 3 days because he has other stuff to do. So really, I don't feel sorry for you that dinner got put off until 6. At least he's there with you every night.
in law issues - you knew he had a family when you met him. You should have met them before you married him. Just like him, they aren't going to change just because you two got married. If you just don't like families in general, then marry an orphan.
Ahhh...I feel so much better now.
It's devolved into something...really not so nice anymore. Not only are the answers not so helpful, but the questions themselves have become nothing more than jokes - and not funny jokes, either. Women asking questions like "I had sex 5 times last week...could I be pregnant?" Or the one I don't think I'll ever forget is the woman who wanted to know if she should give in to her boyfriend's desire to have a threesome with a blow up doll. I mean, really? These are the kinds of things we, as mothers, are thinking about?
Earlier this week, there were two questions that got to me.
One was a woman whose ex-husband had gone to court and gotten 50/50 custody of her children, and she was terrified of what may happen while her kids were in his care. This is a fear I can easily identify with, as I often have these thoughts myself. This question actually caused two nightmares for me that night. One in which Sperm Donor married someone rather wealthy, hired a lawyer, and managed to get custody of C & J. This one was the most terrifying of the nightmares I had that night, or really, ever. The other one was that D & I had gotten married, and we were trying to convince Sperm Donor to give up his rights so that D could adopt C & J. Not only did Sperm Donor refuse, but he actually took us to court to be able to use his visitation rights again. This one almost scares me more than the other one. At least the full custody one is pretty much outside the realm of possibility. With his criminal history, the lack of visitation and the failure to pay child support, it's highly unlikely he'd get custody, even with a good lawyer, and even less likely that he'd ever actually do it. The other one, though...that could happen. He's just spiteful enough that if D & I got married and asked him to give up his rights, he'd refuse and start up the visits again just because he'd know it would upset me, and he'd hope to cause problems between D & I.
The other question was a woman who found out her husband had an online dating profile, in which he stated he was married but was looking to screw around on the side, and she wanted to know if we thought he would really cheat or if he was just "testing the waters". This question prompted a dream in which D was doing this. I know he never would, but after the other two dreams, it still bothered me. When I told D about the dream, he offered to hand over a password to show me I had nothing to worry about. It wasn't necessary for him to do that, because I already knew I had nothing to worry about. As insecure as I may get sometimes, I know he wouldn't do that to me.
But all this got me thinking. Lately, whenever I log in to cafemom, it seems like about 99% of the questions are trashing husbands or significant others in one way or another. It varies between cheating, hiding things, money issues, not helping out enough around the house, not being home enough, and in law issues for the most part.
Maybe it's just because I had such a horrible marriage that I can appreciate D a little better. But I find it kind of...ridiculous that these women married these guys, or at least decided to live with them and have kids with them, and now they want to complain about every little nitpicky thing. Half the time, they aren't complaining about something that is really worth ending the relationship over, and yet that's always how they end their question - "Should I leave him?"
I get that sometimes we all need to vent to someone, and I get that sometimes even the people we love more than anyone else in the world get on our nerves. I often threaten to duct tape the kids to the bed because they drive me nuts. D doesn't really get a chance to drive me nuts because he's gone so much. Kind of hard to drive someone nuts when you're a thousand miles or more away.
But I see the same women complaining day after day about the same stuff. I mean, I can literally go on today, find 3 women and their questions, and trust me, I can find those same 3 women and those same questions tomorrow, and Sunday, too. Maybe even Monday.
Why can't they just accept that this is the guy they married and he's not going to change? If I wanted to, I bet I could find something, maybe even a few somethings, about D to complain about. But I'd rather just accept him as he is. I have a lot more fun with him that way. And rather than complain about the fact that his job keeps him away most of the time, or that he smokes, I'd rather brag about how he really loves me, and how good he is with my kids, or how well he gets along with my parents.
D isn't perfect. Neither am I. I'm sure that just like I could find something about him to complain about, he could find something about me to complain about. But that doesn't help you have a good relationship. When you start just looking at the negatives, and complaining all the time, then you're going to be unhappy.
But you can't tell these women that. If you do, they get all offended and upset, and tell you that you don't get it. Uh...yeah, I do get it. I get that I am in a great relationship that makes me very happy because I love him and I choose to focus on the things that I love about him and make the best of those things that I wish could be different. His job's not going to change, so I focus on the fact that at least if he's not home, we can't fight. He's not going to quit smoking until he's ready, so I focus on the fact that at least it's just cigarettes and he's not doing drugs or getting totally plastered every night. I focus on the fact that he's not going to cheat on me, that he won't lie to me, that he'll be there for me whenever I need him, even if he is a thousand or more miles away.
Since I can't give these answers in the groups, here's what I really want to tell these women:
cheating - if he's cheating on you, either forgive him and move or leave him. If you don't think you can forgive, leave. If it's the 2nd, 3rd, or more time he's done it, then yes, he's going to keep doing it, and no, he's not going to ever feel bad about how much he's hurting you. He really doesn't care.
hiding things - If he's hiding things, he's lying. It's that simple. Unless what he's hiding is your Christmas or birthday present, it's not something you really want to know about. Yes, I think you should ask him, but be sure you want to hear the answer first, because I really don't want to come back here later today to see your new question is, "this is what he's hiding from me, I wish I hadn't asked, how can I make this better?"
money issues - If you two don't have enough money, then figure out a solution. We can't help you with that. If you're not working, try to find a job. If he's not working, he should try to find a job. If he's too lazy to find a job, then why are you with him? And if it's child support....get over it. You knew about his kids before you married him, you knew he'd have to pay child support. Suck it up and get on with your life. Your kids are not suffering because of his other kids, they're suffering because either you or he is refusing to find a way to make sure all the kids are taken care of.
not helping out enough around the house - Men have never helped out enough around the house. Why do we expect that to change? If you're really that desperate, then make him a freaking chore chart.
not being home enough - I really hate these, because it's always that he stops off at the bar or something for an hour after work. I don't get to see D for 3 weeks at a time, and then when I do see him, it's only 3 days, and only part of those 3 days because he has other stuff to do. So really, I don't feel sorry for you that dinner got put off until 6. At least he's there with you every night.
in law issues - you knew he had a family when you met him. You should have met them before you married him. Just like him, they aren't going to change just because you two got married. If you just don't like families in general, then marry an orphan.
Ahhh...I feel so much better now.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Since you didn't hear me the first THREE times...
I moved in with my parents in November, Thanksgiving weekend in fact. Ugh. Have I mentioned this living situation is not much fun?
Anyway, when we were in our old house, we had a certain satellite DISH company providing us with our TV entertainment. Well, when there weren't any clouds in the sky over India, we had TV. So, after moving in with my parents, I called that company, and told them I had moved and wanted to disconnect my service and cancel my account. At that time, I told them that they needed to send the final bill and the boxes for the equipment they wanted back to my new address. The man I spoke with was very nice and confirmed he'd entered my new address into my account info.
Two weeks or so later...I get a forwarded notice in the mail that UPS tried to deliver the boxes to my old house. Hmm...well, ok. Maybe UPS messed up. The driver for our area knew where I lived, maybe he didn't know I moved. Oh, no, wait...yep, says right here they didn't deliver them because I moved. So....I call the DISH company and tell the woman I speak to very nicely that they made a mistake and could she please help me correct this? Well, she discovers that the first guy screwed up and put the new address on my parents cancelled account. Apparently, it's hard to tell my name, which starts with a W, apart from my mother's name, which starts with a D. Hey, they both have 5 letters...I get it, it's confusing.
So, this lady gets it all straightened out, and assures me that a new set of boxes are on their way, to my NEW address, and that they will give me an extension on the time to return the equipment.
About a week later, the boxes arrive...left at the old house. With the old address on them. Must have had a substitute driver that day, who didn't know I moved. Lucky for all of us I happened to drive by the old house that day, or the boxes would have rotted in the rain we've had since then.
I bring the boxes home, and get ready to put the equipment in them, so I can slap the prepaid return shipping label on it and send it back. Except...there's no prepaid shipping label. Wonderful.
Keeping in mind that this is now roughly 3 weeks to a month AFTER I first called and informed them of my move and new address, I call them again. You know what I really hate about the stupid voice response systems? They don't generally respond that well to your voice. After getting disconnected I don't even know how many times, I FINALLY get through to someone.
He is very nice, and more than happy to print out my shipping label. Only...he's not sure how to do it, can he put me on hold for just a moment? Sure, no problem. Boy, was THAT the wrong response. He comes back to tell me that he can't print it out, but he can give me the address, and the RMA that I need to return it, and I just take it to UPS and have them create a label.
Ok, that's cool, but...um, if I have to take this to UPS, and have them create a label, doesn't that mean I have to pay for it? Well, yes. OK....why wasn't I told this before? New policy, started this week.
Wait a minute. I called a month ago to get this done, so it seems to me that this new policy shouldn't apply to me. If they hadn't screwed up, the equipment would have been returned long before this new policy took effect.
Oh, but no...that's not how it works. After close to an hour arguing with this customer service rep, his boss, and someone in the account retention dept, I'm ready to borrow one of my dad's or D's guns and start hurting people (in retrospect, making this call while I had raging PMS might not have been the best idea!), when they put me through to someone in the executive office who proceeds to...lie his ass off to me. He claimed to be e-mailing me the shipping labels and all I have to do is print them and tape them to the box.I had to give him my name, e-mail address, phone number, and once again, my new address. That was around New Year's...and it's Jan. 19th. I've yet to see this e-mail. Apparently it's taking the scenic route.
Oh, but it gets better. Because yesterday, my parents drove by the old house on their way home and found a little UPS InfoNotice stuck to the door. Apparently, yesterday was UPS's second attempt to deliver something from...guess who? That's right! That unnamed DISH company. And as if all that wasn't enough to make me want to hurt someone again, the InfoNotice tells me to go to the UPS website and I can make alternate delivery arrangements.
Sounds easy, right? Yeah...not so much. I've tried 4 times, and it says it can't do it. So, I've decided they can throw the delivery off a cliff, and I will be just fine with that. I've considered calling that DISH company and once again correcting my address, but since I would start out with "Since you didn't hear me the first 3 times..." and end with a whole lot of 4 letter words that probably aren't really appropriate for general conversation, I'm thinking that might not be the way to go.
I mean, really, what are they going to do to me? Charge my card for the equipment? It's a debit card on a bank account I closed over a year ago. Go ahead and try. Put it on my credit report? Fine, I'll dispute it. You wouldn't send me the shipping labels, you didn't give me an address, you kept sending stuff to my old address, which I technically am no longer allowed on the property, since I no longer own it. What exactly should I do?
Needless to say, when I move out again, I will NOT be getting service from this DISH company. I think I will make sure I can get cable wherever I live. In fact, I think I'll save myself a lot of headaches, and just let D handle cable or satellite or whatever we get for TV. Yeah, I think that's a very good idea. Of course, I should probably ask him first. Or bribe him. Yeah, bribing would probably be the best way here. Now, to figure out what to bribe him WITH...
The kids didn't have school yesterday, so I took them outside to play earlier than usual. We came in after a bit, because it was cold and I wanted hot cocoa. They did, too, but mainly me. You want to know how to really annoy your kid? Here's a tried and true method:
We come in, and C comes around the kitchen counter and crouches down, while J is still in the kitchen.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"Hiding from J." C whispers.
"Well, it's not going to work real well hiding on the other side of the counter." I respond, loud enough for J to hear if he's listening.
C gets up and goes to crouch between two big chairs we have in the living room.
"He'll find you hiding between those two chairs too."
C gets up and goes in his bedroom. He grabs the closet door as he heads into the closet.
"He'll probably find you in the closet in your room, too."
"He's going to find me if you keep telling him where I'm hiding!" C cries with much exasperation and frustration.
Well, I don't know about him, but I had fun with that little game of hide and seek...or was it hide and tell? Ehh..who cares, I had fun.
Anyway, when we were in our old house, we had a certain satellite DISH company providing us with our TV entertainment. Well, when there weren't any clouds in the sky over India, we had TV. So, after moving in with my parents, I called that company, and told them I had moved and wanted to disconnect my service and cancel my account. At that time, I told them that they needed to send the final bill and the boxes for the equipment they wanted back to my new address. The man I spoke with was very nice and confirmed he'd entered my new address into my account info.
Two weeks or so later...I get a forwarded notice in the mail that UPS tried to deliver the boxes to my old house. Hmm...well, ok. Maybe UPS messed up. The driver for our area knew where I lived, maybe he didn't know I moved. Oh, no, wait...yep, says right here they didn't deliver them because I moved. So....I call the DISH company and tell the woman I speak to very nicely that they made a mistake and could she please help me correct this? Well, she discovers that the first guy screwed up and put the new address on my parents cancelled account. Apparently, it's hard to tell my name, which starts with a W, apart from my mother's name, which starts with a D. Hey, they both have 5 letters...I get it, it's confusing.
So, this lady gets it all straightened out, and assures me that a new set of boxes are on their way, to my NEW address, and that they will give me an extension on the time to return the equipment.
About a week later, the boxes arrive...left at the old house. With the old address on them. Must have had a substitute driver that day, who didn't know I moved. Lucky for all of us I happened to drive by the old house that day, or the boxes would have rotted in the rain we've had since then.
I bring the boxes home, and get ready to put the equipment in them, so I can slap the prepaid return shipping label on it and send it back. Except...there's no prepaid shipping label. Wonderful.
Keeping in mind that this is now roughly 3 weeks to a month AFTER I first called and informed them of my move and new address, I call them again. You know what I really hate about the stupid voice response systems? They don't generally respond that well to your voice. After getting disconnected I don't even know how many times, I FINALLY get through to someone.
He is very nice, and more than happy to print out my shipping label. Only...he's not sure how to do it, can he put me on hold for just a moment? Sure, no problem. Boy, was THAT the wrong response. He comes back to tell me that he can't print it out, but he can give me the address, and the RMA that I need to return it, and I just take it to UPS and have them create a label.
Ok, that's cool, but...um, if I have to take this to UPS, and have them create a label, doesn't that mean I have to pay for it? Well, yes. OK....why wasn't I told this before? New policy, started this week.
Wait a minute. I called a month ago to get this done, so it seems to me that this new policy shouldn't apply to me. If they hadn't screwed up, the equipment would have been returned long before this new policy took effect.
Oh, but no...that's not how it works. After close to an hour arguing with this customer service rep, his boss, and someone in the account retention dept, I'm ready to borrow one of my dad's or D's guns and start hurting people (in retrospect, making this call while I had raging PMS might not have been the best idea!), when they put me through to someone in the executive office who proceeds to...lie his ass off to me. He claimed to be e-mailing me the shipping labels and all I have to do is print them and tape them to the box.I had to give him my name, e-mail address, phone number, and once again, my new address. That was around New Year's...and it's Jan. 19th. I've yet to see this e-mail. Apparently it's taking the scenic route.
Oh, but it gets better. Because yesterday, my parents drove by the old house on their way home and found a little UPS InfoNotice stuck to the door. Apparently, yesterday was UPS's second attempt to deliver something from...guess who? That's right! That unnamed DISH company. And as if all that wasn't enough to make me want to hurt someone again, the InfoNotice tells me to go to the UPS website and I can make alternate delivery arrangements.
Sounds easy, right? Yeah...not so much. I've tried 4 times, and it says it can't do it. So, I've decided they can throw the delivery off a cliff, and I will be just fine with that. I've considered calling that DISH company and once again correcting my address, but since I would start out with "Since you didn't hear me the first 3 times..." and end with a whole lot of 4 letter words that probably aren't really appropriate for general conversation, I'm thinking that might not be the way to go.
I mean, really, what are they going to do to me? Charge my card for the equipment? It's a debit card on a bank account I closed over a year ago. Go ahead and try. Put it on my credit report? Fine, I'll dispute it. You wouldn't send me the shipping labels, you didn't give me an address, you kept sending stuff to my old address, which I technically am no longer allowed on the property, since I no longer own it. What exactly should I do?
Needless to say, when I move out again, I will NOT be getting service from this DISH company. I think I will make sure I can get cable wherever I live. In fact, I think I'll save myself a lot of headaches, and just let D handle cable or satellite or whatever we get for TV. Yeah, I think that's a very good idea. Of course, I should probably ask him first. Or bribe him. Yeah, bribing would probably be the best way here. Now, to figure out what to bribe him WITH...
The kids didn't have school yesterday, so I took them outside to play earlier than usual. We came in after a bit, because it was cold and I wanted hot cocoa. They did, too, but mainly me. You want to know how to really annoy your kid? Here's a tried and true method:
We come in, and C comes around the kitchen counter and crouches down, while J is still in the kitchen.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"Hiding from J." C whispers.
"Well, it's not going to work real well hiding on the other side of the counter." I respond, loud enough for J to hear if he's listening.
C gets up and goes to crouch between two big chairs we have in the living room.
"He'll find you hiding between those two chairs too."
C gets up and goes in his bedroom. He grabs the closet door as he heads into the closet.
"He'll probably find you in the closet in your room, too."
"He's going to find me if you keep telling him where I'm hiding!" C cries with much exasperation and frustration.
Well, I don't know about him, but I had fun with that little game of hide and seek...or was it hide and tell? Ehh..who cares, I had fun.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Clearly I'm still being lazy...
Since the last time I blogged was right after D was home, and here I am, blogging again right after he's been home.
So, D was home for my birthday. Made my day. I love that man so much. His birthday present to me was to change my operating system on the computer. I am no longer using Windows, and I couldn't be happier about that. It's definitely different than what I am used to, but I still like it much better.
We went out to dinner at Chili's for my birthday, using a gift card that my parents gave to us for Christmas. Is it really cheesy and pathetic that I am keeping the little gift card holder that the card came in because it was the first gift anyone gave to both of us in our relationship? Ok, yeah, dumb question. I know it's cheesy, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Anyway, back to my story. We went out to dinner at Chili's and it was really nice. It was nice to spend some time alone with him, and yet be out doing something at the same time. Plus I did need a break from the family. I love the kids to death, and I love my parents, too, but sometimes I just need to get away. And it was nice to get away with D.
He was also over for dinner last night, and then we watched a movie together after the kids went to bed. Then, of course, we had to say our goodbyes as he had to leave today. That was hard. I hate saying goodbye to him. Three weeks never felt so long until I met him. Now it seems like forever.
I think some of that may be because I know how unhappy he is with his current job. He loves what he does, but right now he really hates it. He's not getting enough miles, so he's not making any real money. He's constantly stressed and miserable, and there's nothing I can do to make it better. He was already starting to stress and get tense last night while we were watching the movie, and by this morning, he was (I think) as tense as he was before he got home. I keep trying to nudge him into calling some other companies and checking into making a move, but he hasn't done it. And I don't want to push too hard and seem like a nag or like I'm trying to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. Whatever decision he makes, regardless of whether I agree with it or not, I will support him. But I want him to be happy. And I think he knows as well as I do that it's not going to happen where he's at now. He started with this company 4.5 yrs ago, when he first started driving, with the intention of retiring from it. I can understand how hard it is to let go of that idea, but I also see what it's doing to him to stay there, and that kills me. This is the one part of being in a relationship that I forgot about...having to watch the man you love be unhappy, and not being able to do anything about it.
C & J had a great Christmas. They loved the legos that D bought for them. They have, in fact, played with them more than any other gift they got for Christmas. And they got quite a bit of really awesome stuff. Heck, they got stuff that I want to play with!
D loved what I got him. I got him a Zippo lighter engraved with his initials and some lovey dovey sentiments. Of course, once I got my gift from him, I kinda feel like it wasn't enough, even though I put tons of thought into it. He got me a gorgeous stand mixer. This thing is just....oh, wow. That's all I can say. 6 qt bowl, major power. I've made carrot cake and chocolate chip cookies so far using it, and I'm in absolute heaven.
The boys are back in school. They went back on Monday. It's been a rough week. Monday night J was wild. It was almost like someone drugged him at school, he just could not calm down no matter what. Screaming, yelling, carrying on. As the week went on, he got better, thankfully. As much as I loved them being home, getting to spend more time with them, being able to sleep past the crack of dawn, I am glad they're back in school. I can start working on getting the house back into some sort of order, and I get a little bit of me time while they're at school. I can get things done online, read, try to figure out how to get a job when there are no jobs to be had.
Things are settling back to normal. Hopefully I'll start posting a little more often. Or not. Who knows? :)
So, D was home for my birthday. Made my day. I love that man so much. His birthday present to me was to change my operating system on the computer. I am no longer using Windows, and I couldn't be happier about that. It's definitely different than what I am used to, but I still like it much better.
We went out to dinner at Chili's for my birthday, using a gift card that my parents gave to us for Christmas. Is it really cheesy and pathetic that I am keeping the little gift card holder that the card came in because it was the first gift anyone gave to both of us in our relationship? Ok, yeah, dumb question. I know it's cheesy, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Anyway, back to my story. We went out to dinner at Chili's and it was really nice. It was nice to spend some time alone with him, and yet be out doing something at the same time. Plus I did need a break from the family. I love the kids to death, and I love my parents, too, but sometimes I just need to get away. And it was nice to get away with D.
He was also over for dinner last night, and then we watched a movie together after the kids went to bed. Then, of course, we had to say our goodbyes as he had to leave today. That was hard. I hate saying goodbye to him. Three weeks never felt so long until I met him. Now it seems like forever.
I think some of that may be because I know how unhappy he is with his current job. He loves what he does, but right now he really hates it. He's not getting enough miles, so he's not making any real money. He's constantly stressed and miserable, and there's nothing I can do to make it better. He was already starting to stress and get tense last night while we were watching the movie, and by this morning, he was (I think) as tense as he was before he got home. I keep trying to nudge him into calling some other companies and checking into making a move, but he hasn't done it. And I don't want to push too hard and seem like a nag or like I'm trying to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. Whatever decision he makes, regardless of whether I agree with it or not, I will support him. But I want him to be happy. And I think he knows as well as I do that it's not going to happen where he's at now. He started with this company 4.5 yrs ago, when he first started driving, with the intention of retiring from it. I can understand how hard it is to let go of that idea, but I also see what it's doing to him to stay there, and that kills me. This is the one part of being in a relationship that I forgot about...having to watch the man you love be unhappy, and not being able to do anything about it.
C & J had a great Christmas. They loved the legos that D bought for them. They have, in fact, played with them more than any other gift they got for Christmas. And they got quite a bit of really awesome stuff. Heck, they got stuff that I want to play with!
D loved what I got him. I got him a Zippo lighter engraved with his initials and some lovey dovey sentiments. Of course, once I got my gift from him, I kinda feel like it wasn't enough, even though I put tons of thought into it. He got me a gorgeous stand mixer. This thing is just....oh, wow. That's all I can say. 6 qt bowl, major power. I've made carrot cake and chocolate chip cookies so far using it, and I'm in absolute heaven.
The boys are back in school. They went back on Monday. It's been a rough week. Monday night J was wild. It was almost like someone drugged him at school, he just could not calm down no matter what. Screaming, yelling, carrying on. As the week went on, he got better, thankfully. As much as I loved them being home, getting to spend more time with them, being able to sleep past the crack of dawn, I am glad they're back in school. I can start working on getting the house back into some sort of order, and I get a little bit of me time while they're at school. I can get things done online, read, try to figure out how to get a job when there are no jobs to be had.
Things are settling back to normal. Hopefully I'll start posting a little more often. Or not. Who knows? :)
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